31 weeks

Being a Mom is starting to freak me out. I feel ready and at the same time completely unready. I am taking another step in to the darkness and into the unknown. I really hate taking steps into the unknown. As brave as I make myself feel. As much as I can tell myself, walking into the unknown is good for you. God will be there for you. Either you will fall and break apart and be rebuilt or see a little further down the path or God will be with you. Or whatever I tell myself, I am still scared. Silly me. Always a lack of faith. When will I figure it out? When will I be able to trust completely? When I am able to stop looking so far into the future and just trust today?

What if I am the world’s worst mom? What if I can’t do it? What if that’s the reason that I had so many miscarriages is because this was never really meant to be? I have wanted this for so long and now I am standing right in front of it and I am scared to death. I am scared that I will do or say the wrong thing. What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t function on no sleep? What if I lose my temper? I so badly want to be a “good” mother that..... that I think I want it too much, if that’s possible. Sometimes wanting something so bad makes it unattainable. Or sometimes wanting something so bad just sets me up for failure.

And so I take a step back and I look at the whole picture.

I let go for controlling the universe (I am not very good at it anyways and it’s just an illusion). And I trust. I trust in the true master of the universe. I open myself to the possibilities of the universe. Knowing that the possibilities of the universe hurt sometimes. Actually, the possibilities of the universe down right suck sometimes. And they hurt sometimes. But the possibilities of the universe are also beautiful and breathtaking and extraordinary. They are sitting on the beach in Italy with 5 scoops of Gelato melting down your leg. They are being pregnant with the most beautiful baby girl. They are new jobs and new friends and new experiences.

The possibilities of the universe change me. They scare me, but sometimes (okay a lot of the time) the things that scare me the most are the things that I love. (AKA riding the incredible hulk ride at Universal Studies, or jumping off the high diving board or skiing down that really big hill). Sometimes, I just need to open my heart and soul to all that is. To all that is possible. Knowing that it could hurt, but also knowing that it could be the most beautiful, amazing thing.

And so I open my heart.

And I say “come”. I am ready. I will begin.

27 weeks

Status: 27 weeks

My baby is now as long as a cucumber

 And weighs as much as a head of cauliflower.

Wow!!!!

I am still in such amazement! I still remember lying in bed and saying to DH, "I feel like flying to the moon is more probable then getting pregnant". I feel so blessed. I remember reading people's blogs who had lived with infertility or multiple pregnancy losses and then eventually got pregnant and thinking, is that possible? I started this blog not knowing where it would go, and here I am writing about being pregnant, and I am amazed.

I got two books in the mail the other day.

Hypnobirthing

And Birthing From Within

I started with Birthing From Within and I am enjoying the focus on art work and getting to know your own thoughts and and feelings about birth. I haven't started on Hypnobrithing yet, but thought that both books would work in partnership with our natural birth class.

I also recently started prenatal yoga. Regular yoga makes me nauseated lately (going from downward dog to warrior to forward bend, jumbles up my already squished stomach) so the prenatal yoga is a refreshing evening. Everyone thinks I am so crazy for exercising this long (I still go to muscle works and yoga and what ever else the Y is offering that day, zumba or Y-bo), but if I don't exercise, I feel so sluggish and I am hoping that exercising will help the labour go better and help me loose the pregnancy weight after. If anything it gives me a break from the business of my life lately and gives me an energy boost.

I still have fears sometimes about loosing my baby. DH was talking the other night how he realizes now that anything is possible, the good and the bad. According to that stats only 1% of people have reoccurring pregnancy loss (although I suspect its actually more than that), but anyways, we realize now that we can be 1% of people. If we were 1% of people in this regard, what else are we going to be 1% of? But I try not to get caught up in the fear, which is easier some days then others. Hearing the babies heartbeat and feeling her move eases my worry.

My name is Emily. This is my unpredictable, sometimes challenging, some days amazing, journey in motherhood.

Summer Sun

The second trimister of pregnancy has been going wonderfully and I have been enjoying the summer sun with DH and baby bump.

A Conversation

Me: I love you.

You: (Strong kicks)

Me: I love you more than anything I have ever experienced. I have loved you for a long, long time. I can not decide when my love for you began. You are a miracle. You are the manifestation of love. I wake-up each morning happy and amazed. And I thank my Father in Heaven for you. You are a miracle.

You: I know. Want to see my back flip?

Reflections on a Journey

Status: 20 weeks and 3 days pregnant

Photo taken on hike completed at 19 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

So much is changing. I know feel my little girl move every day now. My placenta is in the front, which means she has to be kicking pretty hard for me to feel it. Her heart beat was 140 yesterday. I love hearing her heartbeat. It reminds me that I am full of life!

I was reading my journal from a year ago. I cant believe how far I have come. Life is truly a journey. Motherhood is a journey, not a destiation as I once thought. I know now that God gives us just what we need when we need it, even when it hurts. I will never 100% understand why I have walked the path in life that I have. Why did God allow me to loose 4 babies? I'll never completely understand. But as I reflect on my journey, I see that my path has taughtt me patience, faith, perseverance and compassion. I have come to better understand how to find joy in the journey. Also, I have come to better appreciate what it is to be a mother. I treasure each day of this pregnancy in a way I don't think I would have with my first. And maybe that's reason enough to have walked this journey. DH always says "we learn more from stormy seas then from calm waters".

I am amazed by so much lately. The intense love I feel for my baby. My bodies ability to support life. The fact that there is a living, heart beating, life inside of me. I remember one day telling DH "I feel like having a baby is just as likely to happen as going to the moon". Impossible things can happen! I am amazed.

I am not the only one who has been waiting. I feel that this little life has been waiting a long time too to come to this family. I feel that she is the same soul that was connected to my first pregnancy, (if that makes any sense). I just feel that she has been waiting a long time to come to be part of our family, just as we have been waiting a long time for her.

My belly is growing more and more every day. I have gained 15 lbs already!!! I went to the maternity store today to stock up on some shirts. I needed some bright summer colors to express the immense joy I have been feeling lately.

Every day I carry this life inside of me I feel more and more sure. Each day the fear lessens a little. I still look for blood when I go to the bathroom, but it feels more like a habit then an actual fear. Maybe my worries will not go away until the baby is born. I don't know. But what I do know, is that there comes a point where I just have to stop being scared. I mean anything could happen, now or in the future. So today I choose to set my fears aside and enjoy the most miraculous experience of my life.

A Christmas Baby

A Christmas Baby

My first baby was due end of November, beginning of December; just in time for Christmas. I imagined our young family seated around the Christmas tree, smiling, little baby in my arms. Perfect.

Those dreams came crashing down only a few days after they began. That Christmas of 2008 would come and go with no baby in my arms.

That Christmas I made a commitment, a goal, a plan, that I would be pregnant by Christmas of that year. We started trying in May. We tried all that year. Each month would follow the same pattern, I would be excited, lets try!! Then waiting, and waiting, and waiting. and some months my period would be late and I would think that this must be it, I would take pregnancy tests and wait some more. But each month my period would come and my dreams would be dashed all over again. Then the next month the same pattern would repeat itself. And through it all I kept fasting and praying that Heavenly Father would make my dream a reality. That Christmas of 2009 would come and go with no baby in my womb.

That Christmas I decided to make a goal that was within in my control to keep. This year my goal was to come to know my Saviour Jesus Christ better. That year would be that hardest of my life.  2010 I did get pregnant, and again my baby was due end of November. Again thoughts of me with a baby in my arms around the Christmas tree quickly came to mind. Again, these dreams were quickly dashed. I didn't just get pregnant once that year, I got pregnant 3 times in about 7 months, and had to say good-bye to my babies much too soon. All that year I prayed and prayed for a baby. That Christmas of 2010 would come and go with no baby.

Come 2011. This year my goal was to serve others. For the first few months I tried to find joy in my journey and be grateful and trusting. And we kept praying, that if it would be God's will, that we would be able to bring children into the world. Now here I am, with a baby due Christmas day.

Part of me says, this is just a coincidence. Its just the way the timing worked out that my baby is due on Christmas day, but I cant help but see something deeper here. Albert Einstein said "There are two ways to live; you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle". Choosing the latter, I see my own little miracle. I see the tender mercies of the Lord. I see a God who knows my heart, who knows and understands my experiences, who knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it. No, he didn't immediately answer my first prayer or my fiftieth, or my five hundredth but He did answer my prayer. I feel He is telling me, I was with you all along, I know the desires of your heart, your dreams, your goals. I am here. I answer your prayers. You are my daughter and I love you.

17 weeks

Okay, first confession and excuses. My life seems to be so busy lately and I have not had the time or energy to write. I am working full time now and that has been a big change for me, impacting more aspects of life then I thought it would. Pre-March 28th, I was working three days a week, giving me lots of time for art work, cleaning house and exercising. NowI am working 5 days a week, plus dealing with the fatigue of pregnancy. I am happy if I simply make it through the day. DH is cleaning the kitchen, giving me a chance to lie on the couch to stop my stomach from throbbing and giving me chance to get caught up with my blog and my thoughts. I am so grateful for my DH.

As for pregnancy, I am 17 weeks, (aka 4 months) today. I cant believe that I have made it to this point! Every day I am grateful and in awe of this experience. I feel like I am carrying a little secret inside of me, sure people now I am pregnant, but I feel amazed that I am carrying life inside of me wherever I go. Its my little gem, my treasure, my secret to take with me.

Health wise I am doing well. The first three months were rough. I was sick and tired most of the day. But now, the nausea has left and most of my energy has come back. I do get an upset stomach/heartburn easily, but I find eating lots of small meals and drinking lots between meals helps. And when I do get an upset stomach, I am practicing kindness towards myself and not kicking myself in the head for eating a hot dog or what ever it happened to be that day. As a pregnant woman I am feeling a lot of pressure from everyone and their dog (and myself) to be super-healthy, so I keep reminding myself that I am doing my best and that I don't need to be super woman to be a good Mommy to this baby.

Our little one was being a little monkey the other day when we went to hear it's heartbeat at the midwifes. It wouldn't hold still. It took a few minutes, okay maybe seconds, but it felt like the whole world stopped moving, for the midwife to get its heartbeat. And all I could think was, my baby is dead, my baby is dead. Why is it so easy for me to believe the worst case scenario? But my baby was just being active and eventually the midwife picked up the heartbeat for a few seconds. The little monkey.

My name is Emily and this is my journey in motherhood.