Amazed

Status: 35 weeks pregnant

Each and every day I feel so amazed.

Amazed that I am carrying this life inside of me. Amazed that I have made it this far. Amazed to feel her hiccups. Amazed that after coming so far I am simply in this moment.

I am amazed to me on my maternity leave. My originally last day of work was going to be the 2nd of December, but I have been feeling such an uncontrollable urge to nest and I am tired at the end of the day and driving and just being at work is exhausting, so I asked my midwifes for a note and November 17th was my last day of work.

So far I am enjoying my maternity leave. I am getting to the laundry. (Long story, but I inherited bags of used clothing from family, so now I am washing and sorting it). I am cooking meals for my freezer. Plus just taking time to nap and get caught up on my blog. I am loving it!!

Part of me is so amazed to be on my maternity leave. When I was trying to get pregnant, I would always think, okay this is my last winter driving to work, or this time next year I will be on my mat leave, it was something I always looked forward to and now it is here and I am amazed.

Another experience I have looked forward to for a long time is taking maternity photos. I would see my friends photos and think that they looked so beautiful and look forward to getting my own done some day. Luckily for me my sister is a photographer (http://web.me.com/stonemanphotography/Stoneman_Photography/Home.html).

Here is a sneak peak:

My name is Emily. This is my journey in motherhood and I am amazed.

Birthing Goddess

Birthing Goddess and her Partner

Created November 11, 2011

Grounded and centered

Connected to Mother Earth

Squatting low

Letting gravity, letting the Universe work with her

Uterus opening

Peeling back

Blossoming

Expanding to new life

Spine strong

Centered

Supported

Belly

Glowing with love and life

Expanding

Changing

Making room for new life

Heart beating for two

What love!

Love without beginning or end

Love that transforms and endures

Lave that withstands storms and heartaches

Love that grows

Life source

She is a source of life!

And for a time, it is enough

She lets go

Really deep down

Lets go

And embraces the unknown of Mothering

She is content simply nursing and caring

For all things there is a season

This is her season for supporting life

So lets go and simplifies

Her arms are open and flexible

Adaptable to the changes of

      Pregnancy

              Birth

                    Parenting

Able to reach heaven

And to hold her baby

And to hang on to her husband

Head

Not thinking with logic

       or timetables

           or expectations

Thinking through her heart

Hair specked with gray

Wisdom

Hers and the woman supporting her

The woman she is connected to through generations

She is woman

She is pregnancy

   Birth

      Mothering

She is brave, yet supported

She is strong, yet open

She is grounded, yet reaching

She is.



Open That Box

We are slowly getting ready for baby. I am trying just to take it one step at a time and not get overwhelmed by all the things to buy and get ready. I keep reminding myself that the best thing I can offer my little one is a healthy, happy relaxed momma and a strong marital relationship. So I am slowly getting ready and taking it one day at a time. I have been in total nesting mode and have a new found passion for cleaning and organizing and throwing things out.

A few weekends ago we got this stroller:

It's called a city select stroller. Its neat because you can use it in so many ways. We can attach our car seat to it, use it as a single stroller or add a second seat to make it a double stroller. We are being optimistic that there will be more children in this family, so we are making space for them now.

This weekend we got our carseat. It’s been sitting in the office and tonight I got the itch to open it up. I mean, what if the baby comes early and we need to use it soon? DH came up and we were about to open the box and I had a moment of panic. I mean, what if something happens? Should we really open the box? If it’s in the box we could resell it if something happens and the baby doesn’t come. DH reminded me that we need to move forward with hope, can’t always believe the worst is going to happen. So we opened that box!! And we read the instruction manual and tested everything out on Jammy Pie. Now when baby comes, we know how to use the careseat.



My name is Emily and this is my journey in motherhood.



31 weeks

Being a Mom is starting to freak me out. I feel ready and at the same time completely unready. I am taking another step in to the darkness and into the unknown. I really hate taking steps into the unknown. As brave as I make myself feel. As much as I can tell myself, walking into the unknown is good for you. God will be there for you. Either you will fall and break apart and be rebuilt or see a little further down the path or God will be with you. Or whatever I tell myself, I am still scared. Silly me. Always a lack of faith. When will I figure it out? When will I be able to trust completely? When I am able to stop looking so far into the future and just trust today?

What if I am the world’s worst mom? What if I can’t do it? What if that’s the reason that I had so many miscarriages is because this was never really meant to be? I have wanted this for so long and now I am standing right in front of it and I am scared to death. I am scared that I will do or say the wrong thing. What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t function on no sleep? What if I lose my temper? I so badly want to be a “good” mother that..... that I think I want it too much, if that’s possible. Sometimes wanting something so bad makes it unattainable. Or sometimes wanting something so bad just sets me up for failure.

And so I take a step back and I look at the whole picture.

I let go for controlling the universe (I am not very good at it anyways and it’s just an illusion). And I trust. I trust in the true master of the universe. I open myself to the possibilities of the universe. Knowing that the possibilities of the universe hurt sometimes. Actually, the possibilities of the universe down right suck sometimes. And they hurt sometimes. But the possibilities of the universe are also beautiful and breathtaking and extraordinary. They are sitting on the beach in Italy with 5 scoops of Gelato melting down your leg. They are being pregnant with the most beautiful baby girl. They are new jobs and new friends and new experiences.

The possibilities of the universe change me. They scare me, but sometimes (okay a lot of the time) the things that scare me the most are the things that I love. (AKA riding the incredible hulk ride at Universal Studies, or jumping off the high diving board or skiing down that really big hill). Sometimes, I just need to open my heart and soul to all that is. To all that is possible. Knowing that it could hurt, but also knowing that it could be the most beautiful, amazing thing.

And so I open my heart.

And I say “come”. I am ready. I will begin.

27 weeks

Status: 27 weeks

My baby is now as long as a cucumber

 And weighs as much as a head of cauliflower.

Wow!!!!

I am still in such amazement! I still remember lying in bed and saying to DH, "I feel like flying to the moon is more probable then getting pregnant". I feel so blessed. I remember reading people's blogs who had lived with infertility or multiple pregnancy losses and then eventually got pregnant and thinking, is that possible? I started this blog not knowing where it would go, and here I am writing about being pregnant, and I am amazed.

I got two books in the mail the other day.

Hypnobirthing

And Birthing From Within

I started with Birthing From Within and I am enjoying the focus on art work and getting to know your own thoughts and and feelings about birth. I haven't started on Hypnobrithing yet, but thought that both books would work in partnership with our natural birth class.

I also recently started prenatal yoga. Regular yoga makes me nauseated lately (going from downward dog to warrior to forward bend, jumbles up my already squished stomach) so the prenatal yoga is a refreshing evening. Everyone thinks I am so crazy for exercising this long (I still go to muscle works and yoga and what ever else the Y is offering that day, zumba or Y-bo), but if I don't exercise, I feel so sluggish and I am hoping that exercising will help the labour go better and help me loose the pregnancy weight after. If anything it gives me a break from the business of my life lately and gives me an energy boost.

I still have fears sometimes about loosing my baby. DH was talking the other night how he realizes now that anything is possible, the good and the bad. According to that stats only 1% of people have reoccurring pregnancy loss (although I suspect its actually more than that), but anyways, we realize now that we can be 1% of people. If we were 1% of people in this regard, what else are we going to be 1% of? But I try not to get caught up in the fear, which is easier some days then others. Hearing the babies heartbeat and feeling her move eases my worry.

My name is Emily. This is my unpredictable, sometimes challenging, some days amazing, journey in motherhood.

Summer Sun

The second trimister of pregnancy has been going wonderfully and I have been enjoying the summer sun with DH and baby bump.

A Conversation

Me: I love you.

You: (Strong kicks)

Me: I love you more than anything I have ever experienced. I have loved you for a long, long time. I can not decide when my love for you began. You are a miracle. You are the manifestation of love. I wake-up each morning happy and amazed. And I thank my Father in Heaven for you. You are a miracle.

You: I know. Want to see my back flip?