Heartbeat

Status: 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant

We went to the midwifes yesterday for our monthly appointment. We went through some blood work and some questions, and then we FINALLY got to hear babies heartbeat. The midwife didn't even have to look around for it, it was right there. She just put the Doppler on my tummy and there was it's heartbeat. This baby really wants us to know that it is here :)

I am now past the three month mark and know that baby has a heart beat. I am starting to get excited. After hearing the baby's heart beat we couldn't keep the secret any longer. We drove straight to my parents house and after dinner pulled out the computer and played the heartbeat clip for my parents and my brothers and sisters (my parents knew and my married sisters knew, but my four youngest siblings did not know yet). My little brothers didn't know what was going on at first, they are only 10 and 12. But when my sister explained it to them they were excited. My youngest brother came over and waved and said "hi baby". This moment seemed impossible. I remember telling James that having a baby felt as likely as going to the moon. And yet, here I am. In this moment. Pregnant with a little baby with a heartbeat.

My name is Emily. My baby is 2 inches and has a heartbeat. This my journey in Motherhood.

11 Weeks Pregnant

This picture about sums me up right now. Drinking a smoothie (I am eating SO much, as it helps with the nausea), enjoying some flowers from hubbie, and reading a pregnancy book (I am starting to think that this one might actually stick).

I don't have much time to write, so I'll just give you a quick update.

My life seems to consist of pulling myself through the work day, trying not to throw-up and napping. That about sums it up :) Only another week or so of this and I should start feeling like myself again, but sometimes I wonder, will I ever feel like "myself" again?

I finally broke down the other day and wore my maternity jeans. I can still fit into my regular pants, but they are so tight and uncomfortable! I bought some maternity jeans during pregnancy number three and finally had enough of being uncomfortable and pulled them out. I also went to Thyme maternity and bought some work pants, a sweater (for the winter when I am super pregnant) and a shirt. All on sale!!

This art piece reflects a meditation I experienced a few weeks ago. After doing some relaxation stuff we were asked to sense on a sensation in our bodies. I choose to sense my pregnancy (something I had basically been ignoring up to that point) and as I did I was filled with love and joy. And then were asked to sense the opposite feeling. So I connected with the fear and the worry, the heartache and pain, that has resurfaced sense I have been pregnant (something else I had been ignoring). As I flipped between these two feelings, joy and fear, life and death and as I sensed them both at the same time, I felt the dance of life. Truly this is life, happiness and heartache, growth and loss. I felt a protecting circle wrap around these two feelings and I felt peace. This meditation experience was the first step in acknowledging my feelings around this pregnancy and I am still exploring them.

My name is Emily. I am 11 weeks pregnant. I am excited and scared all at the same time. This is my journey in Motherhood.

9 Weeks Pregnant

9 weeks and counting.....

So much has been happening lately. Let me recap.

Prenatal Visit: We went for our first prenatal visit this week. We have chosen to go with midwifes for this pregnancy (which will be a blog posting all of its own) and are planning for a homebirth. The visit went well, with the midwife being down to earth and compassionate. We asked her to listen for the heartbeat, even though she never does it at eight weeks. She tried, but couldn’t pick anything up. We aren’t worried though because it’s still very early and we had seen it the week before. I am looking forward to our next appointment at 12 weeks where it’s more likely that we will hear a heartbeat.

DH was fidgety through the whole appointment and when I asked him about it after, he told me that he was still nervous about the pregnancy. I feel the same way. We are hopeful and we know things are different this time because we saw the heartbeat and I haven’t had any bleeding, but we are still cautious, we have walked this road too many times to just have it end in heartache. I also think that because I am part of the “miscarriage and pregnancy loss” culture I have maybe heard one too many sad stories and know that loss can still happen after a heartbeat is heard.  We are both balancing these feelings of hope and excitement and optimism and these feelings of fear and worry. We got really good at dealing with miscarriages. We were kind of getting prostar at living with the loss, that I don’t think we have really figured out how to live with hope. This is something I am still sorting out.

In the meantime, I have been living with early pregnancy symptoms. I woke up the other day and was so tired and nauseated I didn’t even go to work, rather I stayed home and slept and watched movies. Smells really bother me and I have an all day, persistent nausea. My naturopath gave me some homeopathics for the nausea and they have been helping a little bit. I am traveling next week for a work conference, so I hope that I am feeling a little bit better.

So right now my life feels like a balancing act between the optimism and the caution, between feeling well and feeling ill, between hope and everything else that creeps in.

When You Least Expect It

When You Least Expect It
By Hilary Weeks

It's been raining for days with no sign of it letting up
And all I can think about is how much I miss the sun

The sound is almost hypnotizing, pounding on the pavement
And drop by drop I forget how good the sun feels on my face

Then through the shadows
Beyond the clouds
A ray of light hits my window
I can't believe it
But I can see it
Right in front of my eyes

And that's when it happens
When you least expect it
When it feels like the storm will never end
That's when it happens
Light cuts through the darkness
And Heaven surprise you
When you least expect it

I quit counting the hours I've prayed for answers
But I can't help wondering how long will I have to wait

And why is Heaven silent while I'm running out of words
I keep on knocking but nobody hear me standing at the door

Then through the shadows
Beyond the doubt
Heaven send the answer
I can't believe it
But I can feel it
Deep inside my heart

And that's when it happens
When you least expect it
And you know God has head every prayer
That's when it happens
Love breaks through the darkness
And Heaven surprises you
When you least expect it

I cant believe it
But I can feel it
Deep inside my heart

And that's when it happens
When you least expect it
When it feels like the storm will never end
That's when it happens
Light cuts through the darkness
And Heaven surprises you
When you least expect it

Faith and Infertility

I found this article very inspiring, although it deals more with infertility more then miscarriage, I still felt the message fit for me. I especially liked the points on serving others and infertility being a refiners fire.

Check it out at http://lds.org/ensign/2011/04/faith-and-infertility?lang=eng

There is also a link to a list of other great talks/resources.

New Life

Today my life changed forever. Okay, that’s a little exaggerated, its more that a new chapter has started in my life.

We went for our seven week ultrasound. As we got settled into the room, we explained our story to the ultrasound tech, I asked her to turn off the screen that faces me and a laid back, closed my eyes, gripped DH hand and started psyching myself up for the worst. The tech placed the wand on my stomach and said “Oh I see it. And there’s its heart beat”.  She didn’t have to look around for it. It was right there. Ready to tell its Mom and Dad it had arrived. She turned her screen so we could see. I started crying and hugging DH. She continued with the ultrasound and we watched on the screen now. It’s just a little blob but it’s the cutest little blob I have ever seen. And I saw its heart beating. 133bpm. When people told me I would see its heart beating I thought they meant I would see a line moving on the screen, but no, I SAW its heart beating. AMAZING!!! I all ready love it J

I called my Mom and she cried and I cried, and I still can’t believe that after 4 miscarriages and three years later that this is really happening. In none of the other pregnancies did we see a baby or a heartbeat. This is a brand new chapter for us.

We went and bought it a blanket. A blue blanket with a monkey.

As I sit here at the end of this full, wonderful day, I feel blessed, not only for the life that is beating inside of me (still can’t believe it!), but for the journey. For learning what healing is, not just physical healing, but the deep down kind of healing. For learning to find joy in the journey, even when the journey is hard. For knowing that I can look fear in the face, find faith and take a step into the darkness. For knowing that God is aware of me. For knowing that I can do hard things, really really hard things. Things that are so scary and overwhelming that I wanted to stay in bed some days. But I know now that I can face those days, as I focus on the spiritual strength in my life, and not just face those hard days, but live with passion.

My name is Emily. My baby is the size of a lentil and has a heartbeat. This is the story of my journey in Motherhood.

Do You See What I See?

Okay, I was debating weather to post these or not, but I am going to. So be forewarned, if you hate seeing pee sticks, you may leave now.

Test #1:

Is that a second line I see? Better try another.

Test #2:

Okay there is something there. Quick DH go and get me a first response test. I have to leave for work soon, so be quick about it.

Test #3:

DH, I have to go to work, could you please take a picture of the test for me?

I guess you just never know what will happen you leave for work and ask hubby to take a picture of your pregnancy test :)