Reflections on a Journey

Status: 20 weeks and 3 days pregnant

Photo taken on hike completed at 19 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

So much is changing. I know feel my little girl move every day now. My placenta is in the front, which means she has to be kicking pretty hard for me to feel it. Her heart beat was 140 yesterday. I love hearing her heartbeat. It reminds me that I am full of life!

I was reading my journal from a year ago. I cant believe how far I have come. Life is truly a journey. Motherhood is a journey, not a destiation as I once thought. I know now that God gives us just what we need when we need it, even when it hurts. I will never 100% understand why I have walked the path in life that I have. Why did God allow me to loose 4 babies? I'll never completely understand. But as I reflect on my journey, I see that my path has taughtt me patience, faith, perseverance and compassion. I have come to better understand how to find joy in the journey. Also, I have come to better appreciate what it is to be a mother. I treasure each day of this pregnancy in a way I don't think I would have with my first. And maybe that's reason enough to have walked this journey. DH always says "we learn more from stormy seas then from calm waters".

I am amazed by so much lately. The intense love I feel for my baby. My bodies ability to support life. The fact that there is a living, heart beating, life inside of me. I remember one day telling DH "I feel like having a baby is just as likely to happen as going to the moon". Impossible things can happen! I am amazed.

I am not the only one who has been waiting. I feel that this little life has been waiting a long time too to come to this family. I feel that she is the same soul that was connected to my first pregnancy, (if that makes any sense). I just feel that she has been waiting a long time to come to be part of our family, just as we have been waiting a long time for her.

My belly is growing more and more every day. I have gained 15 lbs already!!! I went to the maternity store today to stock up on some shirts. I needed some bright summer colors to express the immense joy I have been feeling lately.

Every day I carry this life inside of me I feel more and more sure. Each day the fear lessens a little. I still look for blood when I go to the bathroom, but it feels more like a habit then an actual fear. Maybe my worries will not go away until the baby is born. I don't know. But what I do know, is that there comes a point where I just have to stop being scared. I mean anything could happen, now or in the future. So today I choose to set my fears aside and enjoy the most miraculous experience of my life.

A Christmas Baby

A Christmas Baby

My first baby was due end of November, beginning of December; just in time for Christmas. I imagined our young family seated around the Christmas tree, smiling, little baby in my arms. Perfect.

Those dreams came crashing down only a few days after they began. That Christmas of 2008 would come and go with no baby in my arms.

That Christmas I made a commitment, a goal, a plan, that I would be pregnant by Christmas of that year. We started trying in May. We tried all that year. Each month would follow the same pattern, I would be excited, lets try!! Then waiting, and waiting, and waiting. and some months my period would be late and I would think that this must be it, I would take pregnancy tests and wait some more. But each month my period would come and my dreams would be dashed all over again. Then the next month the same pattern would repeat itself. And through it all I kept fasting and praying that Heavenly Father would make my dream a reality. That Christmas of 2009 would come and go with no baby in my womb.

That Christmas I decided to make a goal that was within in my control to keep. This year my goal was to come to know my Saviour Jesus Christ better. That year would be that hardest of my life.  2010 I did get pregnant, and again my baby was due end of November. Again thoughts of me with a baby in my arms around the Christmas tree quickly came to mind. Again, these dreams were quickly dashed. I didn't just get pregnant once that year, I got pregnant 3 times in about 7 months, and had to say good-bye to my babies much too soon. All that year I prayed and prayed for a baby. That Christmas of 2010 would come and go with no baby.

Come 2011. This year my goal was to serve others. For the first few months I tried to find joy in my journey and be grateful and trusting. And we kept praying, that if it would be God's will, that we would be able to bring children into the world. Now here I am, with a baby due Christmas day.

Part of me says, this is just a coincidence. Its just the way the timing worked out that my baby is due on Christmas day, but I cant help but see something deeper here. Albert Einstein said "There are two ways to live; you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle". Choosing the latter, I see my own little miracle. I see the tender mercies of the Lord. I see a God who knows my heart, who knows and understands my experiences, who knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it. No, he didn't immediately answer my first prayer or my fiftieth, or my five hundredth but He did answer my prayer. I feel He is telling me, I was with you all along, I know the desires of your heart, your dreams, your goals. I am here. I answer your prayers. You are my daughter and I love you.

17 weeks

Okay, first confession and excuses. My life seems to be so busy lately and I have not had the time or energy to write. I am working full time now and that has been a big change for me, impacting more aspects of life then I thought it would. Pre-March 28th, I was working three days a week, giving me lots of time for art work, cleaning house and exercising. NowI am working 5 days a week, plus dealing with the fatigue of pregnancy. I am happy if I simply make it through the day. DH is cleaning the kitchen, giving me a chance to lie on the couch to stop my stomach from throbbing and giving me chance to get caught up with my blog and my thoughts. I am so grateful for my DH.

As for pregnancy, I am 17 weeks, (aka 4 months) today. I cant believe that I have made it to this point! Every day I am grateful and in awe of this experience. I feel like I am carrying a little secret inside of me, sure people now I am pregnant, but I feel amazed that I am carrying life inside of me wherever I go. Its my little gem, my treasure, my secret to take with me.

Health wise I am doing well. The first three months were rough. I was sick and tired most of the day. But now, the nausea has left and most of my energy has come back. I do get an upset stomach/heartburn easily, but I find eating lots of small meals and drinking lots between meals helps. And when I do get an upset stomach, I am practicing kindness towards myself and not kicking myself in the head for eating a hot dog or what ever it happened to be that day. As a pregnant woman I am feeling a lot of pressure from everyone and their dog (and myself) to be super-healthy, so I keep reminding myself that I am doing my best and that I don't need to be super woman to be a good Mommy to this baby.

Our little one was being a little monkey the other day when we went to hear it's heartbeat at the midwifes. It wouldn't hold still. It took a few minutes, okay maybe seconds, but it felt like the whole world stopped moving, for the midwife to get its heartbeat. And all I could think was, my baby is dead, my baby is dead. Why is it so easy for me to believe the worst case scenario? But my baby was just being active and eventually the midwife picked up the heartbeat for a few seconds. The little monkey.

My name is Emily and this is my journey in motherhood.

Heartbeat

Status: 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant

We went to the midwifes yesterday for our monthly appointment. We went through some blood work and some questions, and then we FINALLY got to hear babies heartbeat. The midwife didn't even have to look around for it, it was right there. She just put the Doppler on my tummy and there was it's heartbeat. This baby really wants us to know that it is here :)

I am now past the three month mark and know that baby has a heart beat. I am starting to get excited. After hearing the baby's heart beat we couldn't keep the secret any longer. We drove straight to my parents house and after dinner pulled out the computer and played the heartbeat clip for my parents and my brothers and sisters (my parents knew and my married sisters knew, but my four youngest siblings did not know yet). My little brothers didn't know what was going on at first, they are only 10 and 12. But when my sister explained it to them they were excited. My youngest brother came over and waved and said "hi baby". This moment seemed impossible. I remember telling James that having a baby felt as likely as going to the moon. And yet, here I am. In this moment. Pregnant with a little baby with a heartbeat.

My name is Emily. My baby is 2 inches and has a heartbeat. This my journey in Motherhood.

11 Weeks Pregnant

This picture about sums me up right now. Drinking a smoothie (I am eating SO much, as it helps with the nausea), enjoying some flowers from hubbie, and reading a pregnancy book (I am starting to think that this one might actually stick).

I don't have much time to write, so I'll just give you a quick update.

My life seems to consist of pulling myself through the work day, trying not to throw-up and napping. That about sums it up :) Only another week or so of this and I should start feeling like myself again, but sometimes I wonder, will I ever feel like "myself" again?

I finally broke down the other day and wore my maternity jeans. I can still fit into my regular pants, but they are so tight and uncomfortable! I bought some maternity jeans during pregnancy number three and finally had enough of being uncomfortable and pulled them out. I also went to Thyme maternity and bought some work pants, a sweater (for the winter when I am super pregnant) and a shirt. All on sale!!

This art piece reflects a meditation I experienced a few weeks ago. After doing some relaxation stuff we were asked to sense on a sensation in our bodies. I choose to sense my pregnancy (something I had basically been ignoring up to that point) and as I did I was filled with love and joy. And then were asked to sense the opposite feeling. So I connected with the fear and the worry, the heartache and pain, that has resurfaced sense I have been pregnant (something else I had been ignoring). As I flipped between these two feelings, joy and fear, life and death and as I sensed them both at the same time, I felt the dance of life. Truly this is life, happiness and heartache, growth and loss. I felt a protecting circle wrap around these two feelings and I felt peace. This meditation experience was the first step in acknowledging my feelings around this pregnancy and I am still exploring them.

My name is Emily. I am 11 weeks pregnant. I am excited and scared all at the same time. This is my journey in Motherhood.

9 Weeks Pregnant

9 weeks and counting.....

So much has been happening lately. Let me recap.

Prenatal Visit: We went for our first prenatal visit this week. We have chosen to go with midwifes for this pregnancy (which will be a blog posting all of its own) and are planning for a homebirth. The visit went well, with the midwife being down to earth and compassionate. We asked her to listen for the heartbeat, even though she never does it at eight weeks. She tried, but couldn’t pick anything up. We aren’t worried though because it’s still very early and we had seen it the week before. I am looking forward to our next appointment at 12 weeks where it’s more likely that we will hear a heartbeat.

DH was fidgety through the whole appointment and when I asked him about it after, he told me that he was still nervous about the pregnancy. I feel the same way. We are hopeful and we know things are different this time because we saw the heartbeat and I haven’t had any bleeding, but we are still cautious, we have walked this road too many times to just have it end in heartache. I also think that because I am part of the “miscarriage and pregnancy loss” culture I have maybe heard one too many sad stories and know that loss can still happen after a heartbeat is heard.  We are both balancing these feelings of hope and excitement and optimism and these feelings of fear and worry. We got really good at dealing with miscarriages. We were kind of getting prostar at living with the loss, that I don’t think we have really figured out how to live with hope. This is something I am still sorting out.

In the meantime, I have been living with early pregnancy symptoms. I woke up the other day and was so tired and nauseated I didn’t even go to work, rather I stayed home and slept and watched movies. Smells really bother me and I have an all day, persistent nausea. My naturopath gave me some homeopathics for the nausea and they have been helping a little bit. I am traveling next week for a work conference, so I hope that I am feeling a little bit better.

So right now my life feels like a balancing act between the optimism and the caution, between feeling well and feeling ill, between hope and everything else that creeps in.

When You Least Expect It

When You Least Expect It
By Hilary Weeks

It's been raining for days with no sign of it letting up
And all I can think about is how much I miss the sun

The sound is almost hypnotizing, pounding on the pavement
And drop by drop I forget how good the sun feels on my face

Then through the shadows
Beyond the clouds
A ray of light hits my window
I can't believe it
But I can see it
Right in front of my eyes

And that's when it happens
When you least expect it
When it feels like the storm will never end
That's when it happens
Light cuts through the darkness
And Heaven surprise you
When you least expect it

I quit counting the hours I've prayed for answers
But I can't help wondering how long will I have to wait

And why is Heaven silent while I'm running out of words
I keep on knocking but nobody hear me standing at the door

Then through the shadows
Beyond the doubt
Heaven send the answer
I can't believe it
But I can feel it
Deep inside my heart

And that's when it happens
When you least expect it
And you know God has head every prayer
That's when it happens
Love breaks through the darkness
And Heaven surprises you
When you least expect it

I cant believe it
But I can feel it
Deep inside my heart

And that's when it happens
When you least expect it
When it feels like the storm will never end
That's when it happens
Light cuts through the darkness
And Heaven surprises you
When you least expect it