Welcome to my blog

A blog about miscarrriage, infertility, pregnancy, birth and mothering. My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Reflections on a Journey

Status: 20 weeks and 3 days pregnant

Photo taken on hike completed at 19 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

So much is changing. I know feel my little girl move every day now. My placenta is in the front, which means she has to be kicking pretty hard for me to feel it. Her heart beat was 140 yesterday. I love hearing her heartbeat. It reminds me that I am full of life!

I was reading my journal from a year ago. I cant believe how far I have come. Life is truly a journey. Motherhood is a journey, not a destiation as I once thought. I know now that God gives us just what we need when we need it, even when it hurts. I will never 100% understand why I have walked the path in life that I have. Why did God allow me to loose 4 babies? I'll never completely understand. But as I reflect on my journey, I see that my path has taughtt me patience, faith, perseverance and compassion. I have come to better understand how to find joy in the journey. Also, I have come to better appreciate what it is to be a mother. I treasure each day of this pregnancy in a way I don't think I would have with my first. And maybe that's reason enough to have walked this journey. DH always says "we learn more from stormy seas then from calm waters".

I am amazed by so much lately. The intense love I feel for my baby. My bodies ability to support life. The fact that there is a living, heart beating, life inside of me. I remember one day telling DH "I feel like having a baby is just as likely to happen as going to the moon". Impossible things can happen! I am amazed.

I am not the only one who has been waiting. I feel that this little life has been waiting a long time too to come to this family. I feel that she is the same soul that was connected to my first pregnancy, (if that makes any sense). I just feel that she has been waiting a long time to come to be part of our family, just as we have been waiting a long time for her.

My belly is growing more and more every day. I have gained 15 lbs already!!! I went to the maternity store today to stock up on some shirts. I needed some bright summer colors to express the immense joy I have been feeling lately.

Every day I carry this life inside of me I feel more and more sure. Each day the fear lessens a little. I still look for blood when I go to the bathroom, but it feels more like a habit then an actual fear. Maybe my worries will not go away until the baby is born. I don't know. But what I do know, is that there comes a point where I just have to stop being scared. I mean anything could happen, now or in the future. So today I choose to set my fears aside and enjoy the most miraculous experience of my life.