Welcome to my blog

A blog about miscarrriage, infertility, pregnancy, birth and mothering. My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Friday, February 25, 2011

A Positive Thought

Burdens become blessings, though often such blessings are well disguised and may require time, effort, and faith to accept and understand. - L. Whitney Clayton

Thursday, February 24, 2011

A lesson in Empathy

Bearing up under our own burdens can help us develop a reservoir of empathy for the problems others face. - L. Whitney Clayton

Lately I have been trying to be in tune to what lessons I could learn right now and a huge lesson I see right now is empathy. Here are two recent examples:

Yesterday I asked a friend how his sister was. Awhile ago he had shared with me that she was struggling to get pregnant and had had several m/c. Then a couple months ago he shared that she was pregnant with twins from IVF. I had thought of this stranger half way across the world and wondered how she was doing, finally I had my chance to inquire yesterday. He told me that she had lost the babies. My hear sank and I felt my eyes moisten. I could taste her disappointment, her anger, her grief. I am not saying I completely understand her situation, I don't. But I emphasised with this woman. My heart went out to her in a way I have not previously experienced. If I have gained anything from this experience, I have gained empathy.

But empathy has a happy flip side to it too. I always thought empathy meant understanding grief and pain, but an experience this week taught me that I can also empathise with peoples joy. I got an e-mail that a dear friend adopted a baby. Rarely have I ever felt so happy for another human being. I wanted to jump up and down and tell everyone I knew and knit something for this cute, adorable little bundle of wonderfulness that filled her new parents dreams. And lying in bed that night I realized two things, one happy endings (or maybe happy beginnings) do happen and two my heart feels on a new deeper level because of journey in motherhood. One of the hidden gems from my journey.

My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Four sleeps and counting

I got off work early today, (granted I have to go back later tonight for a dinner, but hey), so I took a nap and decided to capture this moment, despite the fact that my kitchen is a mess and I haven't been to the gym all week. I feel things in my life might turn soon and I want to remember this moment. This moment that feels like that tiny space you have between an exhale and an inhale.

Most anxious things first. In four sleeps we go to the fertility clinic for our follow-up visit. A friend keeps mentioning that that day will change my life and I wonder if it will. Will we get a clear cut answer? What will it be? I try not to dwell on it too long. Some moments I am so excited. Certain it will be good news (what ever that would be). I feel like I am five again on Christmas Eve, going crazy with anticipation. Other moments I fret and wonder and worry. What if its bad news? (What ever that would be). What if....

But that is not the only thing that is changing in my life. I currently only work part time and recently applied for some new jobs for more experience, more hours (and better pay). I have two interviews and a job shadow coming up. Again part of me is excited. I am advancing in my career. But the other part of me doesn't want a new job. According to my plans and dreams, I would have been home with a baby by now, maybe even two. I would be taking them to the swimming pool, having play dates and cooking yummy dinners. But shock of all shocks, life doesn't always go the way I planned. So here I am making new dreams and plans, while my heart is still stuck in my old dreams and plans, refusing to budge, despite how enticing the new dreams look.

Despite all these worries, I am practicing finding joy in the journey. (Key word practicing). So yesterday I went clothes shopping with my sister. I haven't purchased new clothes in a long, long time. I keep thinking "Oh I better not buy any new clothes, I might be pregnant next month and then I wouldn't be able to fit into the clothes" or "I better save my money for some cute maternity clothes". But I have been thinking that for 3 plus years now and its high time I get something new. So I went shopping. I don't know what the future holds, but I now that I enjoyed wearing my new purple sweater TODAY.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Waiting....(And being happy about it?)

I could post about a lot of things right now. Going with DH for semen analysis, the ongoing saga of my rubella shot (which thankfully I don't have to get) or what we did for valentines. But the truth is I am tired and I just want to fastfoward to the 28th to know what is going to happen. Will I get an answer?? Is anything really definitive in medicine? What if they already know and I am just waiting...waiting...waiting...

It's officially been three years sense we started trying (granted we did take a year off in all that). Some of my friends have had 2 kids in that time.

But I am trying to find joy in my journey. I know that there will be children in this family. I don't know how, but I know that they will come. They will come. So for now I am doing everything that I might not be able to do if/when I get pregnant. Like working out, and cooking lots of yummy food (the smell of food makes me nauseous when I am pregnant), cleaning my house and taking time for art work. I also want to go to hot yoga and go rock climbing.

I am trying to find something to celebrate each day. Today I am celebrating the fact that I have amazing friends and a job that I love.

My name is Emily and this is my journey in Motherhood.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I am new light

Anything is Possible
Letting Go of Condescending Voices
Between Two Possibilities

My heart is open and healing.

Letting go.
letting go.
Because something beautiful is being revealed.


Life is not static.
It's a continual round of beginnings and endings.
There is no end to love.
My heart is full of love. My mother love did not end with my babies. It goes on and on, just as it existed before this life. Just as it is in this moment.
What I thought I said good-bye to, I am finding I am regretting in new ways, today.

I am new light.

My name is Emily and this is my journey in Motherhood.