Welcome to my blog

A blog about miscarrriage, infertility, pregnancy, birth and mothering. My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Four sleeps and counting

I got off work early today, (granted I have to go back later tonight for a dinner, but hey), so I took a nap and decided to capture this moment, despite the fact that my kitchen is a mess and I haven't been to the gym all week. I feel things in my life might turn soon and I want to remember this moment. This moment that feels like that tiny space you have between an exhale and an inhale.

Most anxious things first. In four sleeps we go to the fertility clinic for our follow-up visit. A friend keeps mentioning that that day will change my life and I wonder if it will. Will we get a clear cut answer? What will it be? I try not to dwell on it too long. Some moments I am so excited. Certain it will be good news (what ever that would be). I feel like I am five again on Christmas Eve, going crazy with anticipation. Other moments I fret and wonder and worry. What if its bad news? (What ever that would be). What if....

But that is not the only thing that is changing in my life. I currently only work part time and recently applied for some new jobs for more experience, more hours (and better pay). I have two interviews and a job shadow coming up. Again part of me is excited. I am advancing in my career. But the other part of me doesn't want a new job. According to my plans and dreams, I would have been home with a baby by now, maybe even two. I would be taking them to the swimming pool, having play dates and cooking yummy dinners. But shock of all shocks, life doesn't always go the way I planned. So here I am making new dreams and plans, while my heart is still stuck in my old dreams and plans, refusing to budge, despite how enticing the new dreams look.

Despite all these worries, I am practicing finding joy in the journey. (Key word practicing). So yesterday I went clothes shopping with my sister. I haven't purchased new clothes in a long, long time. I keep thinking "Oh I better not buy any new clothes, I might be pregnant next month and then I wouldn't be able to fit into the clothes" or "I better save my money for some cute maternity clothes". But I have been thinking that for 3 plus years now and its high time I get something new. So I went shopping. I don't know what the future holds, but I now that I enjoyed wearing my new purple sweater TODAY.

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