Welcome to my blog

A blog about miscarrriage, infertility, pregnancy, birth and mothering. My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Monday, January 31, 2011

HSG = Done

Went for my HSG today. (See http://www.ivf.com/hsg.html for more information about this test). Basically it was a an ultrasound to make sure my uterus and ovaries are okay. Apparently I have beautiful ovaries. Who knew? The test went fine. I was a little worried as you can get cramps, but it went quickly and only the part when they put in the catheter was painful (and that only lasted a few seconds). No cramps.

Another test done and all clear.

Found out today that I am not immune to rubella. Which means I need to go in for another shot. After I get the shot we have to wait 30 days before becoming pregnant. Great! Another delay. But our follow-up appointment is right about then, so we are waiting anyways. I'm thinking I will be ovulating around then, so hope that I ovulate AFTER the 30 days, and not right before. Oh the joys of trying to get pregnant.

There isn't much I can do to speed things along at this point. So I'm just getting through the tests and focusing on the positive in my life right now (like the fact that I have beautiful ovaries and an amazing husband).

My name is Emily and this is my journey in motherhood.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Dancing in the Minefields

This song has been playing on the radio lately and I love it! I listened to it today and it made me feel better after my rotten day yesterday. I appreciate its theme of marriage being about getting through the hard stuff together. So fitting right now. I am grateful to have a hubby that I can dance through the chaos with :)

Well I was 19, you were 21
The year we got engaged
Everyone said we were much too young
But we did it anyway
We got the rings for 40 each from a pawnshop down the road
We said our vows and took the leap now 15 years ago

We went dancing in the minefields
We went sailing in the storms
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for

Well "I do" are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I've heard is a good place to begin
'Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down
And I believe it's an easy price for the life that we have found

And we're dancing in the minefields
We're sailing in the storms
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
That's what the promise is for

So when I lose my way, find me
When I lose loves chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith to the end of all my days
when I forget my name, remind me

'Cause we bear the light of the Son of man
So there's nothing left to fear
So I'll walk with you in the shadow lands
Till the shadows disappear
'Cause He promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of this chaos baby,
I can dance with you

So lets go dancing in the minefields
Lets go sailing in the storms
Oh, lets go dancing in the minefields
And kicking down the doors
Oh, lets go dancing in the minefields
And sailing in the storms
Oh, this is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
That's what the promise is for

A bad day

Some days go by without me thinking much about the losses and the fertility clinic, but some days I seem attacked on every side. Yesterday was one of those days. Here are the highlights:

1)  Got an e-mail from some friends. Due to complications, their baby died 4 hours after birth. I felt so sad for them. More sad then I would have felt before all my m/c. It got me thinking about grief and mourning and how they at least got to hold their baby (which I am sure made it all that much harder). I feel so sad for them. And I also feel worried. (There is so much to worry about in this life). What if I do end up getting pregnant again? What if I do carry full term just to have my baby die?
I have a whole new respect for the miracle of life that I didn't have three years ago.

2) Someone at work touched my belly and asked me how the baby was.

3) I visited with a friend who asked me if I wanted to hear her babies heartbeat. Luckily the subject changed. This is the one thing that I would give anything to have, to hear my babies heartbeat. And some days it feels completely impossible. So yes, I do feel jealous. And then I feel guilty for feeling jealous.

I was feeling pretty rotten by the end of the day. Some days are just hard. That's life.

The hard days make me better appreciate the good days.

My name is Emily and this is my journey in motherhood.

There is no baby...

Someone at work touched my "belly" yesterday. Someone I hardly know. Someone whose name I don't even remember. They asked me, "How is the baby"? I was so surprised. I would have been almost 9 months pregnant by now. Hows the baby? It's not like I could have been hiding it in my 5'11'', 130 lb body (granted I was wearing my coat, but still...). I gave her my best "what in the world are you talking about" look. I quickly thought "How can she not know"? What's the quickest answer? Do I tell her the full story? What do I do? I go for simple this time. "There is no baby". She looks confused, mutters something about me being pregnant and walks off.

Seriously people.

The news of my pregnancy traveled quicker then wild fire through the building and yet the news of my loss fell flat. Goes to show our inability to talk about loss in our culture. Part of that was me too, I never did say much about my loss at work. My words got lost and I was afraid people would judge and ask too many questions.

My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Right Here, Right Now, Today

I felt centered and grounded today for the first time in awhile. Maybe because I had a good chat with my naturopath yesterday, maybe because I got a new haircut, maybe because I am on new vitamins, what ever the reason, it was a refreshing feeling.

OPEN to the possibilites of today
One step and then another
Not where I expected
Not what I expected
Right Here
Right Now
One breath
Just one breath
New Day
Maybe where I have been,
And where I am going
Isn't as importnat as today.
Today I choose....
This moment.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Today (wondering what tomorrow will bring)

I created this image the day before we went to the fertility clinic and it still captures my mood a week and a half latter.

Like most of my images, I just started going with it, not thinking or judging too much. But as I step back and look at this image, even a week and a half latter, I am impressed with its depth and ability to capture where I am right now. This image captures my feelings of hope and possibility in the flowers. But at the same time I feel like the captured bird. Ready, but waiting. Yep, that's me right now, ready and waiting.

This next month is full of tests. Booked my HSG today for January 31st and I have ongoing blood work this month. Then on Feb. 28th I go for my followup appointment. I feel so ready for children and yet I am trapped and waiting.

I try to not let the feelings of despair and frustration overwhelm me. Rather I try to focus on the fact that I am not merely waiting. I am getting important tests done. Each test is another step towards an answer. Each day my genetics are being analyzed in some clinic. Each day I am moving forward.

I recently graduated from University and I am now looking for full time work. I had a good cry last night, because I don't want to be looking for full time work, I want to have a baby. Okay, that sounds pretty whinny, spelling it out like that. My head is logical, telling me that getting a job doesn't mean I wont be Mom soon. My head tells me, working full time means more money, which could be used for IVF or adoption. My head says, it makes sense. My heart says, if I fill my life with other things, I might not have room for what I really want. My heart sometimes just wants to have a pity-party for myself.

But DH said something that really shook me the other day. He said something to the extent of "Do you really think that having a baby is going to make you happy? If you cant be happy now, what makes you think you will be happy with a baby?" Those questions have stuck with me. So despite the whinny, pity-party, part of myself, I am seeking to find joy each day.

My name is Emily and this is my journey in Motherhood.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Let the Tests Begin

Last week we had our first visit at the fertility clinic (which will be a blog entry all of its own), but yesterday we went for our first blood work tests. DH only had one. Poor guy.  I on the other hand, had 16 vials drawn. One was for genetic testing (this is the one that DH had to do as well), some were for hormone testing and some for blood clotting tests.

I am not a big fan of needles in the first place, but I seem to have had a lot in the last few years and usually get by with no episode. Not so yesterday. After they sucked 16 vials of blood out of me I started to feel a little dizzy. Had to sit with my head between my knees and they gave me some sugar water to drink. DH took good care of me. We sat for awhile before heading home, but it took a good hour before I felt myself again.

Actually getting the testing done is an exciting step. It gives me some hope. FINALLY something is being done; we are getting one step closer to getting some answers (whatever those answers will be). We have a follow-up appointment for the 28th of February to get the results back.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Beginnings of My Blog...

I have thought of starting a blog about my journey in Motherhood for some time and now that I am actually doing it, I am both excited and a little nerves. Seeing the title of my blog Emily:motherhoodjourney gave me a sense of, yes, this is my journey, yes this is my story, yes, I am a mother, an empowering feeling and a little overwhelming.

This blog started off as a book. I had pieces of journey in motherhood scribbled on scarp papers, jotted down in journals and collaged on my wall and I wanted to gather all these pieces into one collective whole, so I started a book. But it soon become too overwhelming. I got up until the point of the second miscarriage and just couldn’t go any farther. Maybe it was too painful to relive. Maybe it was too recent and fresh to explore. So my book stopped.

I still wanted to chronicle my journey, both for my own growth/reflection/remembrance, but also in the hope that maybe someone else could relate to it too, and not feel so alone. Instead of focusing on the past (the way my book was) I wanted to focus on the here and now, the experiences and emotions I experience each day. So I started thinking of a blog. And then one day I wasn’t thinking anymore, and I was doing.

My name is Emily and this is the story of My Journey in Motherhood.

Friday, January 14, 2011

A Package

Last night when I picked up the mail, I got a little slip from Post Canada saying I had a package to pick up. First I thought it was the new clothes I had ordered; next I thought it might be my degree. Today I was excited about picking up my package all day, every time I went into my purse I saw the slip reminding me I had a surprise to pick up at the end of the day.

I stopped at the post office on the way home, handed the girl my slip, and wondered, would it be my degree? That would be so exciting! What would I do to celebrate? Or it might be my new clothes, just in time, I would have something new to wear to church. The girl emerged from the back room, a large box in hand, it had to the clothes (but I just purchased them two days ago, how could they get here so fast?).

She handed me the box, I scoured it for an address, what was this? Finally I spotted the address, Nestle. What??? And then my stomach dropped and I no longer wanted to take that box home. It was some silly free thing I had signed up for at the maternity store when I was pregnant with baby number three. It must have been due around now. I can’t even remember the exact date, there are just too many dates to remember (due dates, loss dates, finding out I was pregnant dates).

I opened the box with my keys, just to makes sure.. Yep, it looked like a little diaper bag. I was shaking. I didn’t want to bring this home. All my hopes of the day, smashed, and replaced with an overwhelming reminder of what was lost.

I looked around for a garbage. I can’t bring this home. I don’t want to bring this home. All I ever seem to bring home is empty promises, empty dreams. I am about to hand it to the lady to throw in the garbage. But I think, hey, I can’t use this, but maybe somebody can. And I knew I was making a rash decision.

So I packed it home and had a little cry those last few blocks before my house.

Reminders of my loss are everywhere. We live in such a family culture and I don’t fit into that. I feel that people are judging me for pursing travel and career right now, not realizing that really, it’s just my second choice. It’s just something I am doing in the meantime.

The bag is full of formula. I am going to take it to the foodbank.