Welcome to my blog

A blog about miscarrriage, infertility, pregnancy, birth and mothering. My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Monday, April 25, 2011

(Re)Defining Pregnancy

What does it really mean to be pregnant? I had to tell a nurse today that I was pregnant. She was all excited and kept saying "after the baby is born" and "then you'll go on your maternity leave" and in my head I was thinking "what are you talking about lady? How can the future be so sure? Have you been blessed with such a life that there are no worries or fears"? Then she asked if this was my first baby. Baby??? What baby?? I just have a positive pregnancy test, that's all I know for sure right now. I wanted to scream at her, (stupid I know, this could be pregnancy hormone reaction). I told her "it's complicated". She replied with something positive. She was driving me nuts, I don't even now this women's name. I had to see her as part of a health assessment for work.

This experience really bothered me today, I had to go into the bathroom after and take some deep breaths. And I started thinking and wondering, what upset me so much about it? She was just acting like anyone else in our culture would. She wasn't being mean, if anything she was attempting to be supportive. So what bothered me? I was/am upset that I don't still live in that naive world where a positive pregnancy test meant something. I am upset that I live in my own mixed up sad world where I don't get excited about a positive pregnancy test anymore. I feel alone.

The past week I have been doing fine with the whole "pregnancy" thing, thinking about other things, but today it really got under my skin. I left a message with the fertility Dr. to get my blood work back, and they didn't call me back, so I am starting to think that maybe something is wrong, but wouldn't they have called me back if something was wrong? And last night I had such a nightmare. I was having a m/c and I was screaming for my mother but I couldn't get the words out. It was so vivid.

Anyways, bottom line, I am starting to go mental.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Pearls of Wisdom from Helen Keller

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Signs and Symptoms

DH and I went on a little weekend getaway this past weekend. It was lovely to get away from everything. I tried to not focus on the fact that I could "possibly" pregnant, but the signs were everywhere. The evidence is below (note, these photos were not taken for the blog or as a reflection of pregnancy symptoms. They were taken just because my husband that they were funny. Now they are photo evidence of my 5th pregnancy).

#1) Very Sleepy!! I slept on all the car rides.

#2) Heightened sense of smell. This is me covering my nose after DH cut the cheese.

#3) Nausea
#4) Vivid dreams

My name is Emily and this is my sometimes wild and crazy and rather smelly journey in Motherhood.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Pregnancy #5

Took a pregnancy test this morning (okay 3) and I am pregnant. Due date is Dec. 25th.

I am full of mixed emotions, fear, excitement, but mostly just a "what ever is meant to happen will happen".

Called the fertility clinic and I am going for tests and taking progesterone.

DH is so excited, but I am not really. Getting a positive pregnancy test doesn't really mean I am pregnant anymore. It just means, I could potentially 1% be pregnant. I feel its just one step closer on a long, long, long, path. I feel like I am protecting my heart, my emotions. My life is so full of "other" things right now, travel, work, spiritual and creative growth I don't really want to become emotionally involved in something so unpredictable, something I can do nothing about, something that will be what ever it is meant to be. My ultrasound is booked for the 10th of May, right now I don't even feel like I will make it to that date. If I do, it will be a miracle. If I get positive news on the 10th, then I'll be excited. Man I sound pessimistic. Its not that I am pessimistic really, its rather that I just don't want to get emotionally caught up right now. I want to stay centered and balanced, trusting in the things I know 1) God loves me 2) DH loves me 3) Gods plan is bigger then me, and in the end its going to turn into something beautiful, no not in the end, now, today, everyday, its being shaped into something beautiful.

I am open and trusting to a plan bigger then me. One filled with heartache and beauty, challenges and life lessons, hardships and tender mercies. I am trusting.

My name is Emily. I am pregnant. And this is my journey in Motherhood.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Remember My Little Monkey

On March 22nd, 2010, after nearly 10 months of trying, I found out I was pregnant! April 4th 2010, at about 6 weeks pregnant, I had a miscarraige. As the one year anniversy of this creation and loss passes, my mind recalls the joy and the heartache. In memory of my little monkey I would like to share some of the good and sad memories from a year ago:
  • Screaming at 6:30 in the morning when I got a positive pregnancy test. DH running into the bathroom at high speed thinking I was dying and smashing his head. Then crying as he held me, both in sheer reliefe, shock and joy.
  • Going out for breakfast and being on cloud nine. He orded waffles and I had an omelete. We were both so exited.
  • Going over to my families house that night and telling them. As soon as the blessing on the food had been said DH couldn't take it any longer and told everyone our good news.
  • Feeling both scared and excited. One momment feeling complete dreed and fear and the next feeling joy beyond measure.
  • After the 4 1/2 mark passed (the point when I had the first m/c) feeling a little more optomist and even going baby clothes shopping. Had a hard time finding anything gender nutural and settled on a yellow onsie that said "Daddy's Little Monkey". This is where the nickname for our little one came from.
  • Telling the baby we loved it. DH saying good-bye to it when he left for work.
  • Waking up to spotting. Feeling so scared. Calling health-link. Being told to stay home from work and take it easy.
  • DH borrowed a ton of movies from the library and stayed home from work with me.
  • Spotting for a few days and feeling in complete limbo. My sister came and spent some time with me. Mostly we watched movies together. We did go to Starbucks and Chapters where I bought the book "I Love You More Then Rainbows".  At this point I was still feeling a little hopefully. That night I got DH to read the book to the baby.
  • I remember having a long talk with the baby. I told it how much I loved it. How much it's Daddy loved it. How much all its Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles were going to love it. I let him know about all the wonderful things and places here. I told him I would take him to the mountians and to the ocean.
  • After three days of spotting I couldn't take it anymore. I had to know what was going on. So I called healthlink again and they told me to go into the ER.
  • ER was a lot of waiting, and getting poked and waiting some more. Finally they came and told me that my hsg levels were very low and this meant I was most likely having a m/c. It was like my whole world was crashing around me. I couldn't think, I just felt overwheleming pain and loss and grief. I asked them to go and get my husband. And I sat there and just cried. No one offered me kleenx, no one offered me a drink of water or some chocholet ice-cream. I sat alone and ignored. DH came quickly and I would not let him leave my side after that. I remember just crying and wanting to be home in bed. They gave me a shot, sent me over to the ultasound clinc to book an appotintmnet and FINALLY about 5 hours I was able to go home. I think I cried all the way home.
  • The next morning I had to get up early and start drinking my water for the ultrasound. I remember having to stop and change our turning signal on the way over and being worried about being late.
  • They made me wait for ever for my ultrasound. My bladder was so full. I thought I was going to die. Really, I can't remember being so uncomforatbale in my whole life. I was rocking back and forth.
  • The woman ahead of me finally came out of the room. Arm in arm with her man they gushed over there happy news of twins. Twins!!! How was it fair that she was having twins and I was being told that my baby was dead?
  • Finally I went in for my ultrasound. I remember closing my eyes and imagining I was lying on the beach with my husband. I didn't want to by lying on that bed with the ultasound poking and prodding, so I remember the best day of my life, just lying on the beach with my husband. I felt myself crying. Not out of pain or worry or fear (it was probably hormones), but I remember just feeling in awe at life.
  • After the ultrasound, she told me that it did not look good. The sack was measuring less then four weeks. I still felt a glimmer of hope as I headed back to the ER waiting room.
  • There we sat and sat and sat.
  • I was told that I couldn't leave even to go down the hallway to eat. I did anyways well DH waitied to hear my name.
  • I remember going to the bathroom and starting to really bleed. I went back to the waiting room and sat on that stupid plastic chair and thought "I am going to have a miscariage right here in the ER waiting room. Please someone, let me go home". DH kept asking when they would see me. And finally as I sat there silently crying, they called my name.
  • The Dr. told me what I already knew. The baby had died. It was a blighted ovume. Go home and let nature take its course.
  • Mostly I slept and cried for the next 24 hrs.
  • The morning after being in the ER I passed the egg sack. We were able to plant it in our peacelilly plant.

To my little Monkey:

You and I were only physically together for a few weeks
But I loved you more than rainbows
And will always remember you

Friday, April 1, 2011

A Wellness Day

I just started a new job this week. I work at a hospital Mondays and Tuesdays (my new job) and the rest of the week I am at a local non-profit organization that I have been working at for the past two years. I thought this week might be a little crazy starting a new job and all, so I took a wellness day today (I get 3 of them a year).

I have had mixed feelings about this new job, 75% of me has been excited to be learning new skills, meeting new people, stretching and growing myself and the other 25% of me never even expected to work in this city, I thought I would have a baby. Most of me wants to be here in this moment, but part of my heart aches for what could have been and wants to dwell on past dreams and feel miserable and not get out of bed in the morning. But I find the more I listen to the part of me that wants to live each day with passion and purpose the more that part of me grows.

This weekend will mark the anniversary from when we lost our second baby, "our little monkey" as we called it. (That will be a blog post all of it's own). So my heart has been a little heavy with past memories. I want to do something special this weekend to remember our little one. I am thinking of lighting a candle and just remembering and honouring that little life I held inside of me and the joy and heartache that it brought into my life.

So with all these crazy emotions and experiences, my new job, the anniversary of my little monkey, I decided to take a wellness day. I went for a massage, went to Chapters (one of my favourite stores), took a nap and did some art work.

Things I am grateful for today:
1) My grandparents who are an example to me of faith, compassion and a strong marriage
2) Yummy tea
3) A hubby who cleaned the kitchen today
4) Sitting in a steam room (not really sure if I should have done that as I am ttc, but what ever, it was relaxing, so I figured that was helpful and healthy)
5) The best berry crisp and frozen yogurt I have ever had
6) A nap
7) A warm shower
8) Wearing my favourite socks (they are knee high mismatched socks)
9) Curly Hair
10) My blog

I have a Queen inside who listens for what delights the soul.  - Rumi