Do you have any children?

The past three days that I have been at work someone has asked if I have any children and/or if I plan on having children. I know that this is meant to be a straightforward, simple, easy-going question, but it doesn't feel like it. A thousand emotions run though my when I am asked these types of questions. I feel a twinge of loss for my four precious little babies, I feel a stable at womanhood (as if I am some how less of woman because I cant/don't have kids), I feel pried into, I feel lost. And I am never really sure what to say, especially to people who I've just met.

Do I say:
Yes, I have been pregnant four times, but the baby stopped growing shortly after conception (no, too much information).
Maybe:
It's none of your business (but I don't want to come off rude at my new job).

So usually I go with, no, it's just me and my husband and when the question is about if we are going to have children, I answer, "no, too busy with work". Which was a complete lie. It all feels like lies.

What is the truth? And how much of the truth do I want to share?

The truth is, I have loved a Mother's love.

The truth is, I don't know when/or if we are going to have children, not because that's not what I want, but because it's not in my control.

I think when I am asked "do you have any children"? Instead of giving my bland, self-defeated "No". I would like to say "not right now. Right now my life is full of traveling and working and time with my husband and camping and art work". I like the words "not right now". Because its true. Right now, I don't have any children here with me and it leaves the window open for the future. And I like adding in all the other wonderful things I have in my life. Because my life is full of wonderful things right now.

In response to "are you going to have kids"? I need to remind myself that its okay to say "that's a rather personal question" and leave it at that. It really isn't anyones business and I don't "owe" them an answer.

I think I am going to try to use both these answers in the future.

Words of Inspiration

I worked on this piece over a few days and I am really happy with the way it turned out. I am going to use to for the cover page of a scrapbook I am making about all the things I love.

Believe

Laugh

Friendship

Adore

Lucky

Together

Classic

Imagine

Life

Enjoy

Hope

Joy

Heartfelt

Family

Love

Inspiration

Memories

Happiness

Genuine

Create

New Creation

I created this installation piece to represent all the changes and new perspectives I have been experiencing lately. I don’t usually work in 3D, but I enjoyed it. Painting the vase was very relaxing on a Saturday afternoon, with the sun shining in my art room and some relaxing tunes going in the background.

New Creation

Surrounded by Love

And bursting forth

The broken heart

Opens to new life

Growing tall and strong

Reaching new heights

Amongst the daily change

Faith Centers

She is Becoming.

Better Luck Next Month

Status: CD 2

My period came right on time this month.

I was so sure I was pregnant. Strange dreams, dizzy, a little nauseated, strong sense of smell. I had ALL my typical symptoms. I would have bet money I was pregnant. Maybe that strange pose I did in yoga last week, the one where my legs were in the air and then behind my head, the one that the instructor said NOT to do if I was pregnant, maybe that did something. I did feel something strange when I did the pose. Ahhh..... who knows.

No point in focusing on the past. I have a new plan for this cycle. I am going to try charting my temperature, taking progesterone cream, using preseed and an ovulation kit. Also, the naturopath recommended some vitamins and herbs to help boost DH suboptimal sperm. Here goes another month.

I did have a good cry (or two) about getting my period. And had a whole late night rant with DH how I would be completely happy without kids and would love to travel the world and pursue my career. There are moments were having kids scares me to death and I would be fine with keeping the status-quo, but then I remember the intense love I felt for each of my four babies and think that going down that path again would be alright too.

Getting my period is always fraught with mixed emotion. Feelings of despair and let down. But then I usually think of a thing or two I can do now because I am not pregnant (like start my new job without morning sickness or go backpacking). I suppose either way my life goes; there will be things to celebrate along the way.

Joy in the Journey

Status: Day 21 of cycle, 6 days PO.

This is the part of the cycle I struggle the most with, past ovulation, just waiting for my period or a pregnancy test, just waiting. No, NOT JUST WAITING, living and waiting. Or maybe just living in suspense. Or maybe.... living and trying to keep busy so I don’t go crazy.

But already I am playing mind games. Thinking everything is a sign of pregnancy, the odd smells I smelled at work today, the two naps I took, my wild dreams the past two nights and the fact I get dizzy when going from sitting to standing. Three of the four pregnancies were conceived the first month we tried, so it’s not impossible. I am going to have to wait about another week to test. (But I did just order 30 pregnancy tests for cheap from https://www.saveontests.com so I don’t bankrupt us with all these tests).

In the meantime I am finding joy in the journey.

Things I am grateful for:

1)      My new job in the hospital system (my DREAM job)

2)      These really yummy strawberries I got on sale this week that I have been eating with everything

3)      The book that I am listing to on the way to work, The Rhythm of Life: Living Every Day with Passion and Purpose by Mathew Kelly, Super motivating.

4)      A stress-free, easy going week at work, including an inspirational music therapy session today, followed by a relaxing expressive arts group.

5)      Sunshine and warm weather

6)      The DVD series “Life”

7)      The ZUMBA Pool party class I am taking (Really, how can you not have fun in a pool with a bunch of woman attempting to salsa dance?)

8)      A testimony of Jesus Christ

9)      A best friend to vent to

10)  The possibility of going to New York this summer with one of my best friends

Prenatal Vitamins

I have a love, hate relationship with prenatal vitamins. I started taking them back in the summer of 2007, the pink chalky ones that made me sick if I didn’t have something to eat first. I felt so eager and secretive when I first bought them and kept them hidden in the kitchen cupboard so company wouldn’t see them.  

2007 seems like a lifetime ago. I am still on prenatals, although I have advanced to the more expensive brand recommend by my naturopath, and I am still not pregnant. I have had a variety of feelings when purchasing prenatals. Shortly after one of my m/c I went to the local health food store again, to stock up, I wasn’t sure if we were going to be trying again or not, but figured I should stay on them just in case we did. When I went to the check-out some perk pregnant lady who looked close to her due date rang me through and gave me her personal opinion on my purchase, talking about the vitamins making her nauseated or something. I must have given her a death look when I said “I am not pregnant”.  She just smiled, handed me my bag and said “well, good-luck”. I almost bit her head off.

Yesterday, I went to the same store, went down the same isle and bought the same vitamins for the millionth time (I swear, I keep the prenatal company and the pregnancy test company in business). This time though, I felt hopeful. I stocked up, thinking either I am going to trying for a long time, or at least I will need enough for the next nine months.

Whatever happens, I got my prenatals.

Ready for Anything

This past weekend we went to see my sister and her husband and their new place. It was a wonderful opportunity to get away from a busy week and relax with some of my favourite people. We went to the temple, the science center, ate lots of good food, watched movies, played games and ate Bertty Bots Every Flavour Beans from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando. (Sorry M. for feeding you the vomit one!).

We also went to my favourite store, Mountain Equipment Co-Op (MEC)(http://www.mec.ca/Main/home.jsp)

And I think I am in love... with my new Gregory day pack.

It has a lots of pockets, padding and comes in a cute blue color that will match my pink rain jacket. It wasn’t until I was back at my sister’s house, walking around with my pack on, talking about all the places and things I was going to do with my new pack, such as hike Kilimanjaro, go on some sweet bike rides and hike some local trails, that I realized, "Hey wait a second, I am trying to get pregnant, why did I just buy a pack for a bunch of stuff I might never do? What if I get pregnant right away (which 3 out of 4 times I have), and don’t get a chance to do any of those things and just spent a big chunk of my Christmas money on a backpack I’ll never use". Then I figured, “Oh well, I can use it for a diaper bag if need be”. Whatever I end up using my back for, I love it, and can tell already that I will go on great adventures with it! And already have. I took it skiing on Monday.

This little scenario really captures me right now. Stuck between two possibilities, no not stuck. Living. Living with two dreams. One of having a baby. The other of traveling the world, going on great adventures and growing in my career. Whatever happens, I have a sweet backpack to do it with.

Dreamer

Dreamer

Spread your wings, Dreamer

Let go

Take Off

Spread your wings, Dreamer

Look forward

Look upward

Breakforth!

Heavens Nest

Falling

Twisting

Upside-down

Alone

Scared

Silenced

Broken

Recreated

Rearranged

Safe

Protected

Held

Friends

Family

Yoga

Music

Prayer

Peace

Love....

Heavens Nest

It's a journey...

Unexplained

We had our follow-up visit at the fertility clinic yesterday. They were running 40 minutes late, so I had lots of time to sit and wonder and get nerves. All around the waiting room they have pictures of pregnant women, babies and happy smiling families. I am not sure if this is meant to be encouraging, because it feels more like a slap in the face. I wish they would put up something calming, like an ocean scene, because I could have used something calming in that waiting room. I felt chilled and a little light headed.

Then finally just as I went to the front desk to make sure they hadn't missed us, they called our names. Again, we waited, this time in a little room. Again, they could spruce this place up a bit. Pictures of ovaries and a sad women with a plea for funding for IVF stare at me from the walls. This place needs a  make-over.

The Dr. comes in and goes over the results with us. Ultrasound - good. Hormone levels - good. Sperm analysis - sub-optimal (nothing to worry about though, sense we are getting pregnant, encouraged DH to eat fruits and vegetables to increase probiotics). Thrombosis work up - increased tendency for thrombosis (sent to see specialist, but fertility Dr. does not think he will be concerned. Take a baby aspirin every day). Genetic Testing - no news yet. Conclusion: unexplained repeat miscarriages. Keep on trying. 75% chance that next pregnancy will be fine.

At first I was rather upset with this news. I wanted them to come in and saw "tada! We have this magical pill. Just take this and you will never have another m/c". Yep, I have some unrealistic expectations sometimes. I am scared to start trying a 5th time. I feel like I am jumping back into the fire. I don't want another year of being pregnant or m/c, like I did last year. It really wore me and DH down. How many more m/c will I have? When will I say enough?

But thoughts like this are not helping. What was helpful was some art work (to be posted soon), a yoga class and some food and a good talk the my best friend.

So here we go again. We are officially TTC #5. Part of me is scared to death and part of thinks,
"what ever, my life is crazy, just go with it" and another part of me sees God's hand in my life and is grateful. And this is the part of my heart I am trying to listen to. The part that is grateful for each time that I have been pregnant (I know some people don't ever get to experience this) and I am grateful that I have been told that I have a high chance of getting pregnant and caring the baby. I am grateful for a husband who went to all my tests and appointments with me. I am grateful for family and friends who are so supportive, who want to know how I am doing and who will listen to me vent. I am grateful to know that there is a kind, loving Father in Heaven watching over me. I am grateful to know that this experience will be for my good if I so choose. I am grateful for all the wonderful blessings I have in my life. I know that God is with me and that Him, all things are possible.

My name is Emily. I am officially TTC for the 5th time. This is my crazy and beautiful journey in motherhood.