Welcome to my blog

A blog about miscarrriage, infertility, pregnancy, birth and mothering. My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Do you have any children?

The past three days that I have been at work someone has asked if I have any children and/or if I plan on having children. I know that this is meant to be a straightforward, simple, easy-going question, but it doesn't feel like it. A thousand emotions run though my when I am asked these types of questions. I feel a twinge of loss for my four precious little babies, I feel a stable at womanhood (as if I am some how less of woman because I cant/don't have kids), I feel pried into, I feel lost. And I am never really sure what to say, especially to people who I've just met.

Do I say:
Yes, I have been pregnant four times, but the baby stopped growing shortly after conception (no, too much information).
It's none of your business (but I don't want to come off rude at my new job).

So usually I go with, no, it's just me and my husband and when the question is about if we are going to have children, I answer, "no, too busy with work". Which was a complete lie. It all feels like lies.

What is the truth? And how much of the truth do I want to share?

The truth is, I have loved a Mother's love.

The truth is, I don't know when/or if we are going to have children, not because that's not what I want, but because it's not in my control.

I think when I am asked "do you have any children"? Instead of giving my bland, self-defeated "No". I would like to say "not right now. Right now my life is full of traveling and working and time with my husband and camping and art work". I like the words "not right now". Because its true. Right now, I don't have any children here with me and it leaves the window open for the future. And I like adding in all the other wonderful things I have in my life. Because my life is full of wonderful things right now.

In response to "are you going to have kids"? I need to remind myself that its okay to say "that's a rather personal question" and leave it at that. It really isn't anyones business and I don't "owe" them an answer.

I think I am going to try to use both these answers in the future.

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