We had our follow-up visit at the fertility clinic yesterday. They were running 40 minutes late, so I had lots of time to sit and wonder and get nerves. All around the waiting room they have pictures of pregnant women, babies and happy smiling families. I am not sure if this is meant to be encouraging, because it feels more like a slap in the face. I wish they would put up something calming, like an ocean scene, because I could have used something calming in that waiting room. I felt chilled and a little light headed.
Then finally just as I went to the front desk to make sure they hadn't missed us, they called our names. Again, we waited, this time in a little room. Again, they could spruce this place up a bit. Pictures of ovaries and a sad women with a plea for funding for IVF stare at me from the walls. This place needs a make-over.
The Dr. comes in and goes over the results with us. Ultrasound - good. Hormone levels - good. Sperm analysis - sub-optimal (nothing to worry about though, sense we are getting pregnant, encouraged DH to eat fruits and vegetables to increase probiotics). Thrombosis work up - increased tendency for thrombosis (sent to see specialist, but fertility Dr. does not think he will be concerned. Take a baby aspirin every day). Genetic Testing - no news yet. Conclusion: unexplained repeat miscarriages. Keep on trying. 75% chance that next pregnancy will be fine.
At first I was rather upset with this news. I wanted them to come in and saw "tada! We have this magical pill. Just take this and you will never have another m/c". Yep, I have some unrealistic expectations sometimes. I am scared to start trying a 5th time. I feel like I am jumping back into the fire. I don't want another year of being pregnant or m/c, like I did last year. It really wore me and DH down. How many more m/c will I have? When will I say enough?
But thoughts like this are not helping. What was helpful was some art work (to be posted soon), a yoga class and some food and a good talk the my best friend.
So here we go again. We are officially TTC #5. Part of me is scared to death and part of thinks,
"what ever, my life is crazy, just go with it" and another part of me sees God's hand in my life and is grateful. And this is the part of my heart I am trying to listen to. The part that is grateful for each time that I have been pregnant (I know some people don't ever get to experience this) and I am grateful that I have been told that I have a high chance of getting pregnant and caring the baby. I am grateful for a husband who went to all my tests and appointments with me. I am grateful for family and friends who are so supportive, who want to know how I am doing and who will listen to me vent. I am grateful to know that there is a kind, loving Father in Heaven watching over me. I am grateful to know that this experience will be for my good if I so choose. I am grateful for all the wonderful blessings I have in my life. I know that God is with me and that Him, all things are possible.
My name is Emily. I am officially TTC for the 5th time. This is my crazy and beautiful journey in motherhood.