Welcome to my blog

A blog about miscarrriage, infertility, pregnancy, birth and mothering. My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

31 weeks

Being a Mom is starting to freak me out. I feel ready and at the same time completely unready. I am taking another step in to the darkness and into the unknown. I really hate taking steps into the unknown. As brave as I make myself feel. As much as I can tell myself, walking into the unknown is good for you. God will be there for you. Either you will fall and break apart and be rebuilt or see a little further down the path or God will be with you. Or whatever I tell myself, I am still scared. Silly me. Always a lack of faith. When will I figure it out? When will I be able to trust completely? When I am able to stop looking so far into the future and just trust today?

What if I am the world’s worst mom? What if I can’t do it? What if that’s the reason that I had so many miscarriages is because this was never really meant to be? I have wanted this for so long and now I am standing right in front of it and I am scared to death. I am scared that I will do or say the wrong thing. What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t function on no sleep? What if I lose my temper? I so badly want to be a “good” mother that..... that I think I want it too much, if that’s possible. Sometimes wanting something so bad makes it unattainable. Or sometimes wanting something so bad just sets me up for failure.

And so I take a step back and I look at the whole picture.

I let go for controlling the universe (I am not very good at it anyways and it’s just an illusion). And I trust. I trust in the true master of the universe. I open myself to the possibilities of the universe. Knowing that the possibilities of the universe hurt sometimes. Actually, the possibilities of the universe down right suck sometimes. And they hurt sometimes. But the possibilities of the universe are also beautiful and breathtaking and extraordinary. They are sitting on the beach in Italy with 5 scoops of Gelato melting down your leg. They are being pregnant with the most beautiful baby girl. They are new jobs and new friends and new experiences.

The possibilities of the universe change me. They scare me, but sometimes (okay a lot of the time) the things that scare me the most are the things that I love. (AKA riding the incredible hulk ride at Universal Studies, or jumping off the high diving board or skiing down that really big hill). Sometimes, I just need to open my heart and soul to all that is. To all that is possible. Knowing that it could hurt, but also knowing that it could be the most beautiful, amazing thing.

And so I open my heart.

And I say “come”. I am ready. I will begin.