Welcome to my blog

A blog about miscarrriage, infertility, pregnancy, birth and mothering. My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

A Christmas Baby

A Christmas Baby

My first baby was due end of November, beginning of December; just in time for Christmas. I imagined our young family seated around the Christmas tree, smiling, little baby in my arms. Perfect.

Those dreams came crashing down only a few days after they began. That Christmas of 2008 would come and go with no baby in my arms.

That Christmas I made a commitment, a goal, a plan, that I would be pregnant by Christmas of that year. We started trying in May. We tried all that year. Each month would follow the same pattern, I would be excited, lets try!! Then waiting, and waiting, and waiting. and some months my period would be late and I would think that this must be it, I would take pregnancy tests and wait some more. But each month my period would come and my dreams would be dashed all over again. Then the next month the same pattern would repeat itself. And through it all I kept fasting and praying that Heavenly Father would make my dream a reality. That Christmas of 2009 would come and go with no baby in my womb.

That Christmas I decided to make a goal that was within in my control to keep. This year my goal was to come to know my Saviour Jesus Christ better. That year would be that hardest of my life.  2010 I did get pregnant, and again my baby was due end of November. Again thoughts of me with a baby in my arms around the Christmas tree quickly came to mind. Again, these dreams were quickly dashed. I didn't just get pregnant once that year, I got pregnant 3 times in about 7 months, and had to say good-bye to my babies much too soon. All that year I prayed and prayed for a baby. That Christmas of 2010 would come and go with no baby.

Come 2011. This year my goal was to serve others. For the first few months I tried to find joy in my journey and be grateful and trusting. And we kept praying, that if it would be God's will, that we would be able to bring children into the world. Now here I am, with a baby due Christmas day.

Part of me says, this is just a coincidence. Its just the way the timing worked out that my baby is due on Christmas day, but I cant help but see something deeper here. Albert Einstein said "There are two ways to live; you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle". Choosing the latter, I see my own little miracle. I see the tender mercies of the Lord. I see a God who knows my heart, who knows and understands my experiences, who knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it. No, he didn't immediately answer my first prayer or my fiftieth, or my five hundredth but He did answer my prayer. I feel He is telling me, I was with you all along, I know the desires of your heart, your dreams, your goals. I am here. I answer your prayers. You are my daughter and I love you.

17 weeks

Okay, first confession and excuses. My life seems to be so busy lately and I have not had the time or energy to write. I am working full time now and that has been a big change for me, impacting more aspects of life then I thought it would. Pre-March 28th, I was working three days a week, giving me lots of time for art work, cleaning house and exercising. NowI am working 5 days a week, plus dealing with the fatigue of pregnancy. I am happy if I simply make it through the day. DH is cleaning the kitchen, giving me a chance to lie on the couch to stop my stomach from throbbing and giving me chance to get caught up with my blog and my thoughts. I am so grateful for my DH.

As for pregnancy, I am 17 weeks, (aka 4 months) today. I cant believe that I have made it to this point! Every day I am grateful and in awe of this experience. I feel like I am carrying a little secret inside of me, sure people now I am pregnant, but I feel amazed that I am carrying life inside of me wherever I go. Its my little gem, my treasure, my secret to take with me.

Health wise I am doing well. The first three months were rough. I was sick and tired most of the day. But now, the nausea has left and most of my energy has come back. I do get an upset stomach/heartburn easily, but I find eating lots of small meals and drinking lots between meals helps. And when I do get an upset stomach, I am practicing kindness towards myself and not kicking myself in the head for eating a hot dog or what ever it happened to be that day. As a pregnant woman I am feeling a lot of pressure from everyone and their dog (and myself) to be super-healthy, so I keep reminding myself that I am doing my best and that I don't need to be super woman to be a good Mommy to this baby.

Our little one was being a little monkey the other day when we went to hear it's heartbeat at the midwifes. It wouldn't hold still. It took a few minutes, okay maybe seconds, but it felt like the whole world stopped moving, for the midwife to get its heartbeat. And all I could think was, my baby is dead, my baby is dead. Why is it so easy for me to believe the worst case scenario? But my baby was just being active and eventually the midwife picked up the heartbeat for a few seconds. The little monkey.

My name is Emily and this is my journey in motherhood.