Welcome to my blog

A blog about miscarrriage, infertility, pregnancy, birth and mothering. My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

A Christmas Baby

A Christmas Baby

My first baby was due end of November, beginning of December; just in time for Christmas. I imagined our young family seated around the Christmas tree, smiling, little baby in my arms. Perfect.

Those dreams came crashing down only a few days after they began. That Christmas of 2008 would come and go with no baby in my arms.

That Christmas I made a commitment, a goal, a plan, that I would be pregnant by Christmas of that year. We started trying in May. We tried all that year. Each month would follow the same pattern, I would be excited, lets try!! Then waiting, and waiting, and waiting. and some months my period would be late and I would think that this must be it, I would take pregnancy tests and wait some more. But each month my period would come and my dreams would be dashed all over again. Then the next month the same pattern would repeat itself. And through it all I kept fasting and praying that Heavenly Father would make my dream a reality. That Christmas of 2009 would come and go with no baby in my womb.

That Christmas I decided to make a goal that was within in my control to keep. This year my goal was to come to know my Saviour Jesus Christ better. That year would be that hardest of my life.  2010 I did get pregnant, and again my baby was due end of November. Again thoughts of me with a baby in my arms around the Christmas tree quickly came to mind. Again, these dreams were quickly dashed. I didn't just get pregnant once that year, I got pregnant 3 times in about 7 months, and had to say good-bye to my babies much too soon. All that year I prayed and prayed for a baby. That Christmas of 2010 would come and go with no baby.

Come 2011. This year my goal was to serve others. For the first few months I tried to find joy in my journey and be grateful and trusting. And we kept praying, that if it would be God's will, that we would be able to bring children into the world. Now here I am, with a baby due Christmas day.

Part of me says, this is just a coincidence. Its just the way the timing worked out that my baby is due on Christmas day, but I cant help but see something deeper here. Albert Einstein said "There are two ways to live; you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle". Choosing the latter, I see my own little miracle. I see the tender mercies of the Lord. I see a God who knows my heart, who knows and understands my experiences, who knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it. No, he didn't immediately answer my first prayer or my fiftieth, or my five hundredth but He did answer my prayer. I feel He is telling me, I was with you all along, I know the desires of your heart, your dreams, your goals. I am here. I answer your prayers. You are my daughter and I love you.

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