Welcome to my blog

A blog about miscarrriage, infertility, pregnancy, birth and mothering. My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

9 Weeks Pregnant



9 weeks and counting.....

So much has been happening lately. Let me recap.

Prenatal Visit: We went for our first prenatal visit this week. We have chosen to go with midwifes for this pregnancy (which will be a blog posting all of its own) and are planning for a homebirth. The visit went well, with the midwife being down to earth and compassionate. We asked her to listen for the heartbeat, even though she never does it at eight weeks. She tried, but couldn’t pick anything up. We aren’t worried though because it’s still very early and we had seen it the week before. I am looking forward to our next appointment at 12 weeks where it’s more likely that we will hear a heartbeat.

DH was fidgety through the whole appointment and when I asked him about it after, he told me that he was still nervous about the pregnancy. I feel the same way. We are hopeful and we know things are different this time because we saw the heartbeat and I haven’t had any bleeding, but we are still cautious, we have walked this road too many times to just have it end in heartache. I also think that because I am part of the “miscarriage and pregnancy loss” culture I have maybe heard one too many sad stories and know that loss can still happen after a heartbeat is heard.  We are both balancing these feelings of hope and excitement and optimism and these feelings of fear and worry. We got really good at dealing with miscarriages. We were kind of getting prostar at living with the loss, that I don’t think we have really figured out how to live with hope. This is something I am still sorting out.

In the meantime, I have been living with early pregnancy symptoms. I woke up the other day and was so tired and nauseated I didn’t even go to work, rather I stayed home and slept and watched movies. Smells really bother me and I have an all day, persistent nausea. My naturopath gave me some homeopathics for the nausea and they have been helping a little bit. I am traveling next week for a work conference, so I hope that I am feeling a little bit better.

So right now my life feels like a balancing act between the optimism and the caution, between feeling well and feeling ill, between hope and everything else that creeps in.

When You Least Expect It

When You Least Expect It
By Hilary Weeks

It's been raining for days with no sign of it letting up
And all I can think about is how much I miss the sun

The sound is almost hypnotizing, pounding on the pavement
And drop by drop I forget how good the sun feels on my face

Then through the shadows
Beyond the clouds
A ray of light hits my window
I can't believe it
But I can see it
Right in front of my eyes

And that's when it happens
When you least expect it
When it feels like the storm will never end
That's when it happens
Light cuts through the darkness
And Heaven surprise you
When you least expect it

I quit counting the hours I've prayed for answers
But I can't help wondering how long will I have to wait

And why is Heaven silent while I'm running out of words
I keep on knocking but nobody hear me standing at the door

Then through the shadows
Beyond the doubt
Heaven send the answer
I can't believe it
But I can feel it
Deep inside my heart

And that's when it happens
When you least expect it
And you know God has head every prayer
That's when it happens
Love breaks through the darkness
And Heaven surprises you
When you least expect it

I cant believe it
But I can feel it
Deep inside my heart

And that's when it happens
When you least expect it
When it feels like the storm will never end
That's when it happens
Light cuts through the darkness
And Heaven surprises you
When you least expect it

Faith and Infertility


I found this article very inspiring, although it deals more with infertility more then miscarriage, I still felt the message fit for me. I especially liked the points on serving others and infertility being a refiners fire.

Check it out at http://lds.org/ensign/2011/04/faith-and-infertility?lang=eng

There is also a link to a list of other great talks/resources.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

New Life



Today my life changed forever. Okay, that’s a little exaggerated, its more that a new chapter has started in my life.

We went for our seven week ultrasound. As we got settled into the room, we explained our story to the ultrasound tech, I asked her to turn off the screen that faces me and a laid back, closed my eyes, gripped DH hand and started psyching myself up for the worst. The tech placed the wand on my stomach and said “Oh I see it. And there’s its heart beat”.  She didn’t have to look around for it. It was right there. Ready to tell its Mom and Dad it had arrived. She turned her screen so we could see. I started crying and hugging DH. She continued with the ultrasound and we watched on the screen now. It’s just a little blob but it’s the cutest little blob I have ever seen. And I saw its heart beating. 133bpm. When people told me I would see its heart beating I thought they meant I would see a line moving on the screen, but no, I SAW its heart beating. AMAZING!!! I all ready love it J

I called my Mom and she cried and I cried, and I still can’t believe that after 4 miscarriages and three years later that this is really happening. In none of the other pregnancies did we see a baby or a heartbeat. This is a brand new chapter for us.

We went and bought it a blanket. A blue blanket with a monkey.

As I sit here at the end of this full, wonderful day, I feel blessed, not only for the life that is beating inside of me (still can’t believe it!), but for the journey. For learning what healing is, not just physical healing, but the deep down kind of healing. For learning to find joy in the journey, even when the journey is hard. For knowing that I can look fear in the face, find faith and take a step into the darkness. For knowing that God is aware of me. For knowing that I can do hard things, really really hard things. Things that are so scary and overwhelming that I wanted to stay in bed some days. But I know now that I can face those days, as I focus on the spiritual strength in my life, and not just face those hard days, but live with passion.

My name is Emily. My baby is the size of a lentil and has a heartbeat. This is the story of my journey in Motherhood.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Do You See What I See?

Okay, I was debating weather to post these or not, but I am going to. So be forewarned, if you hate seeing pee sticks, you may leave now.

Test #1:

Is that a second line I see? Better try another.

Test #2:


Okay there is something there. Quick DH go and get me a first response test. I have to leave for work soon, so be quick about it.

Test #3:


DH, I have to go to work, could you please take a picture of the test for me?





I guess you just never know what will happen you leave for work and ask hubby to take a picture of your pregnancy test :)

Taking a Walk in the Darkness

Status: 6 weeks, 3 days pregnant

6 more sleeps until we go for the ultrasound. This is the farthest I have made it in a pregnancy without spotting, so that’s good. But I don’t think it’s possible for my body to miscarry right now because I am on so much progesterone and baby aspirin, I think this is keeping my body from miscarrying. So we will really know what this pregnancy is going to do once we go for the ultrasound. There are moments where DH and I go CRAZY!!! We just want to know what is going on. But I try to remember that this time will pass no matter what, so I might as well enjoy it. I am trying to focus on other things in my life, work, family, my art work.

With are first 3 pregnancies we had told our family members by this point. The only people who know right now are my parents, DH parents, my best friend and a co-worker. I really don’t feel ready to tell people. We are thinking to wait to tell people after I have passed the 12 week mark. Usually we are so excited to tell people we can’t keep it a secret, but this time, we are much more cautious.

As for signs and symptoms, I have been tired, and once I hit the 6 week mark the nausea started to kick in. It’s not really bad, just more annoying than anything else. I have vivid wild dreams, so even though I am tired, I don’t really feel like a sleep (lame). But overall I have felt pretty good, “full of life” as a co-worker put it the other day.

Over the last couple of months I have really come to believe that this whole experience of Motherhood is part of my journey, part of the earthly experience I was put on earth to experience. For whatever reason, these experiences are teaching me important life lessons that I may not have been able to learn in other ways, things like faith, patience and joy.  And so I am taking a step into the darkness, opening myself to whatever may come, knowing that God and DH and the goodness of the Universe will be there to greet me on the other side.

Truly the Lord encourages us to walk in faith to the edge of the light and beyond - into the unknown. After the trial of our faith, He once again shines the light ahead of us, and our journey of faith in every footstep continues. - M. Russell Ballard



I am trying to take good care of myself. My new job is keeping me extra busy, so I am trying to balance it out with relaxation, good food and joy.



Protecting my Inner Child


I have found a new treasure to illustrate my journey with: an Eton's Catalogue from 1901


A great find from an antique store. I can tell its going to be the inspiration for many amazing pieces.
My name is Emily. I am six weeks pregnant and right now, my pants feel tight. This is the story of my journey in Motherhood.