Welcome to my blog

A blog about miscarrriage, infertility, pregnancy, birth and mothering. My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Remember My Little Monkey

On March 22nd, 2010, after nearly 10 months of trying, I found out I was pregnant! April 4th 2010, at about 6 weeks pregnant, I had a miscarraige. As the one year anniversy of this creation and loss passes, my mind recalls the joy and the heartache. In memory of my little monkey I would like to share some of the good and sad memories from a year ago:
  • Screaming at 6:30 in the morning when I got a positive pregnancy test. DH running into the bathroom at high speed thinking I was dying and smashing his head. Then crying as he held me, both in sheer reliefe, shock and joy.
  • Going out for breakfast and being on cloud nine. He orded waffles and I had an omelete. We were both so exited.
  • Going over to my families house that night and telling them. As soon as the blessing on the food had been said DH couldn't take it any longer and told everyone our good news.
  • Feeling both scared and excited. One momment feeling complete dreed and fear and the next feeling joy beyond measure.
  • After the 4 1/2 mark passed (the point when I had the first m/c) feeling a little more optomist and even going baby clothes shopping. Had a hard time finding anything gender nutural and settled on a yellow onsie that said "Daddy's Little Monkey". This is where the nickname for our little one came from.
  • Telling the baby we loved it. DH saying good-bye to it when he left for work.
  • Waking up to spotting. Feeling so scared. Calling health-link. Being told to stay home from work and take it easy.
  • DH borrowed a ton of movies from the library and stayed home from work with me.
  • Spotting for a few days and feeling in complete limbo. My sister came and spent some time with me. Mostly we watched movies together. We did go to Starbucks and Chapters where I bought the book "I Love You More Then Rainbows".  At this point I was still feeling a little hopefully. That night I got DH to read the book to the baby.
  • I remember having a long talk with the baby. I told it how much I loved it. How much it's Daddy loved it. How much all its Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles were going to love it. I let him know about all the wonderful things and places here. I told him I would take him to the mountians and to the ocean.
  • After three days of spotting I couldn't take it anymore. I had to know what was going on. So I called healthlink again and they told me to go into the ER.
  • ER was a lot of waiting, and getting poked and waiting some more. Finally they came and told me that my hsg levels were very low and this meant I was most likely having a m/c. It was like my whole world was crashing around me. I couldn't think, I just felt overwheleming pain and loss and grief. I asked them to go and get my husband. And I sat there and just cried. No one offered me kleenx, no one offered me a drink of water or some chocholet ice-cream. I sat alone and ignored. DH came quickly and I would not let him leave my side after that. I remember just crying and wanting to be home in bed. They gave me a shot, sent me over to the ultasound clinc to book an appotintmnet and FINALLY about 5 hours I was able to go home. I think I cried all the way home.
  • The next morning I had to get up early and start drinking my water for the ultrasound. I remember having to stop and change our turning signal on the way over and being worried about being late.
  • They made me wait for ever for my ultrasound. My bladder was so full. I thought I was going to die. Really, I can't remember being so uncomforatbale in my whole life. I was rocking back and forth.
  • The woman ahead of me finally came out of the room. Arm in arm with her man they gushed over there happy news of twins. Twins!!! How was it fair that she was having twins and I was being told that my baby was dead?
  • Finally I went in for my ultrasound. I remember closing my eyes and imagining I was lying on the beach with my husband. I didn't want to by lying on that bed with the ultasound poking and prodding, so I remember the best day of my life, just lying on the beach with my husband. I felt myself crying. Not out of pain or worry or fear (it was probably hormones), but I remember just feeling in awe at life.
  • After the ultrasound, she told me that it did not look good. The sack was measuring less then four weeks. I still felt a glimmer of hope as I headed back to the ER waiting room.
  • There we sat and sat and sat.
  • I was told that I couldn't leave even to go down the hallway to eat. I did anyways well DH waitied to hear my name.
  • I remember going to the bathroom and starting to really bleed. I went back to the waiting room and sat on that stupid plastic chair and thought "I am going to have a miscariage right here in the ER waiting room. Please someone, let me go home". DH kept asking when they would see me. And finally as I sat there silently crying, they called my name.
  • The Dr. told me what I already knew. The baby had died. It was a blighted ovume. Go home and let nature take its course.
  • Mostly I slept and cried for the next 24 hrs.
  • The morning after being in the ER I passed the egg sack. We were able to plant it in our peacelilly plant.

To my little Monkey:

You and I were only physically together for a few weeks
But I loved you more than rainbows
And will always remember you

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