Welcome to my blog

A blog about miscarrriage, infertility, pregnancy, birth and mothering. My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Monday, April 25, 2011

(Re)Defining Pregnancy

What does it really mean to be pregnant? I had to tell a nurse today that I was pregnant. She was all excited and kept saying "after the baby is born" and "then you'll go on your maternity leave" and in my head I was thinking "what are you talking about lady? How can the future be so sure? Have you been blessed with such a life that there are no worries or fears"? Then she asked if this was my first baby. Baby??? What baby?? I just have a positive pregnancy test, that's all I know for sure right now. I wanted to scream at her, (stupid I know, this could be pregnancy hormone reaction). I told her "it's complicated". She replied with something positive. She was driving me nuts, I don't even now this women's name. I had to see her as part of a health assessment for work.

This experience really bothered me today, I had to go into the bathroom after and take some deep breaths. And I started thinking and wondering, what upset me so much about it? She was just acting like anyone else in our culture would. She wasn't being mean, if anything she was attempting to be supportive. So what bothered me? I was/am upset that I don't still live in that naive world where a positive pregnancy test meant something. I am upset that I live in my own mixed up sad world where I don't get excited about a positive pregnancy test anymore. I feel alone.

The past week I have been doing fine with the whole "pregnancy" thing, thinking about other things, but today it really got under my skin. I left a message with the fertility Dr. to get my blood work back, and they didn't call me back, so I am starting to think that maybe something is wrong, but wouldn't they have called me back if something was wrong? And last night I had such a nightmare. I was having a m/c and I was screaming for my mother but I couldn't get the words out. It was so vivid.

Anyways, bottom line, I am starting to go mental.

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