Pregnancy #5

Took a pregnancy test this morning (okay 3) and I am pregnant. Due date is Dec. 25th.

I am full of mixed emotions, fear, excitement, but mostly just a "what ever is meant to happen will happen".

Called the fertility clinic and I am going for tests and taking progesterone.

DH is so excited, but I am not really. Getting a positive pregnancy test doesn't really mean I am pregnant anymore. It just means, I could potentially 1% be pregnant. I feel its just one step closer on a long, long, long, path. I feel like I am protecting my heart, my emotions. My life is so full of "other" things right now, travel, work, spiritual and creative growth I don't really want to become emotionally involved in something so unpredictable, something I can do nothing about, something that will be what ever it is meant to be. My ultrasound is booked for the 10th of May, right now I don't even feel like I will make it to that date. If I do, it will be a miracle. If I get positive news on the 10th, then I'll be excited. Man I sound pessimistic. Its not that I am pessimistic really, its rather that I just don't want to get emotionally caught up right now. I want to stay centered and balanced, trusting in the things I know 1) God loves me 2) DH loves me 3) Gods plan is bigger then me, and in the end its going to turn into something beautiful, no not in the end, now, today, everyday, its being shaped into something beautiful.

I am open and trusting to a plan bigger then me. One filled with heartache and beauty, challenges and life lessons, hardships and tender mercies. I am trusting.

My name is Emily. I am pregnant. And this is my journey in Motherhood.