Welcome to my blog

A blog about miscarrriage, infertility, pregnancy, birth and mothering. My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Today (wondering what tomorrow will bring)

I created this image the day before we went to the fertility clinic and it still captures my mood a week and a half latter.

Like most of my images, I just started going with it, not thinking or judging too much. But as I step back and look at this image, even a week and a half latter, I am impressed with its depth and ability to capture where I am right now. This image captures my feelings of hope and possibility in the flowers. But at the same time I feel like the captured bird. Ready, but waiting. Yep, that's me right now, ready and waiting.

This next month is full of tests. Booked my HSG today for January 31st and I have ongoing blood work this month. Then on Feb. 28th I go for my followup appointment. I feel so ready for children and yet I am trapped and waiting.

I try to not let the feelings of despair and frustration overwhelm me. Rather I try to focus on the fact that I am not merely waiting. I am getting important tests done. Each test is another step towards an answer. Each day my genetics are being analyzed in some clinic. Each day I am moving forward.

I recently graduated from University and I am now looking for full time work. I had a good cry last night, because I don't want to be looking for full time work, I want to have a baby. Okay, that sounds pretty whinny, spelling it out like that. My head is logical, telling me that getting a job doesn't mean I wont be Mom soon. My head tells me, working full time means more money, which could be used for IVF or adoption. My head says, it makes sense. My heart says, if I fill my life with other things, I might not have room for what I really want. My heart sometimes just wants to have a pity-party for myself.

But DH said something that really shook me the other day. He said something to the extent of "Do you really think that having a baby is going to make you happy? If you cant be happy now, what makes you think you will be happy with a baby?" Those questions have stuck with me. So despite the whinny, pity-party, part of myself, I am seeking to find joy each day.

My name is Emily and this is my journey in Motherhood.

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