Some days go by without me thinking much about the losses and the fertility clinic, but some days I seem attacked on every side. Yesterday was one of those days. Here are the highlights:
1) Got an e-mail from some friends. Due to complications, their baby died 4 hours after birth. I felt so sad for them. More sad then I would have felt before all my m/c. It got me thinking about grief and mourning and how they at least got to hold their baby (which I am sure made it all that much harder). I feel so sad for them. And I also feel worried. (There is so much to worry about in this life). What if I do end up getting pregnant again? What if I do carry full term just to have my baby die?
I have a whole new respect for the miracle of life that I didn't have three years ago.
2) Someone at work touched my belly and asked me how the baby was.
3) I visited with a friend who asked me if I wanted to hear her babies heartbeat. Luckily the subject changed. This is the one thing that I would give anything to have, to hear my babies heartbeat. And some days it feels completely impossible. So yes, I do feel jealous. And then I feel guilty for feeling jealous.
I was feeling pretty rotten by the end of the day. Some days are just hard. That's life.
The hard days make me better appreciate the good days.
My name is Emily and this is my journey in motherhood.