Being a New Mom

Okay, I have totally slacked off with the blogging, journaling and art work. Welcome to being a new mom. So much has happened over the past month and a bit. But that will be another post for another time.

Right now I want to capture this moment. What is going on now, today.

Being a new mom is teaching me so much. Mostly about letting go. Feeding Missy is a bit of an adventure. I have really had to let go of plans and expectations. Some days she wants to nurse every two hours. Other days she might go four hours with out feeding. Some days she will nap a lot, thus letting me nap. Other days she seems to know exactly when I hit that lovely space right before sleep and will wake up from a 20 minute nap. So I am just learning to let go.

I have thought of trying to get her on a bit of a schedule, but don't know much about how to go about it. I did put some books on hold at the library about early parenting. I just feel like I am walking in the dark sometimes. I keep telling DH "I don't know why I am doing it that way. I am just making it up". Today I tried to be more aware of her natural cycle. She seems to be like to be awake for an hour and then sleep for an hour and then feed and get her diaper changed then do it all over again. But who knows, tomorrow it could be different.

Trying to get some sleep when Missy sleeps

Missy has become a real Mommas girl. Daddy has been very busy with work and this has given Missy and me lots of time together. There have been a few times lately when family members or friends have tried to calm her down but can't. Then they pass her to me and she settles right down. I have mixed feelings about this. Mostly I am in complete awe that I can mean so much to another little human being. That my presence can calm her soul makes me feel.... I struggle to find the right word, special? Full of worth? Powerful? Hmmmm..... I am just amazed that I mean that much to her. I guess that is part of being a mother. The mixed part is that it takes a lot of energy to be a momma and some times wish Daddy could take on more of a role. But now that his work is settling down, maybe he can.

Missy is a real snuggle buddy. She loves to be held or snuggled up to me in bed. She is getting better though at playing on the floor or bed by herself. She can last about 20 minutes sometimes just playing on her own. The greatest investment that I have made is in my sling. I use a Maya Wrap (http://www.mayawrap.com/) and Missy loves it, she stops fussing and will either just hang out or will fall asleep. I love it because she is close to me and yet I can get a few things done, like laundry or dishes. It's also great for shopping. I went to a store the other day and put her in it so I could have my hands free and didn't have to struggle with maneuvering a stroller around a cramped store. I am a huge baby wearing fan!!

A few weeks ago someone asked me what the worst and best parts of being a new mom are. I said that the worst part was the night feeds. But this has been going a lot better. A few things have helped.

1) A sleep sack. We got the ergococoon (http://www.ergopouch.com.au/swaddle.html) last week and Missy has been sleeping much better. She still wakes up the same amount to feed, but she dosen`t wake up fussy in the night from breaking out of her blanket swaddle. It looks a little cruel, but she loves feeling secure.

2) Mastering the art of nursing in the dark. The last two or three nights I have been able to keep all the lights off and nurse in the dark. Before I was turning on a lamp or keeping the closet light on, now I have gotten to know Missy and my body better that I don't even have to see what I am doing to nurse!! I think keeping the lights off helps Missy know its night time and also, if she cant see anything, she gets bored and goes to sleep.

3) A routine. We started Missy on a bedtime routine when she was a few weeks old. A little bit before her 10:00ish feed we wake her up, sing her some songs, read her some stories, let her have some tummy time, then give her a bath, a big nurse and into bed.

4) Attitude. I just had to decide that I was going to like night feedings. Okay, like might be to strong of a word. I had to decide that I was going to be okay with night feedings. For a few weeks I would have to psych myself up before bed, telling myself that I was going to like the night feeding, and that it was going to be okay and then I would say a prayer that Heavenly Father would help Missy to sleep and help me to do well with the feedings.

Things are going much better now. Some nights she will sleep for four hours between feeds, but the last two nights she has been back to waking every two hours. But I am getting really good at blocking out the breathing, moving sounds and just waking up for the feeding sounds, then I give her a quick nurse, she falls back to sleep and so do I. We seem to have a rhythm figured out.

My name is Emily and this is my journey in Motherhood.

Welcome Missy

Missy

December 29th @ 3:06 p.m

7 lbs 10 onces

19 inches long

Lovingly born at home

39 Weeks

39 weeks pregnant!!! Wow!!! My due date is next Sunday, Christmas day. So many wonderful things have been happening lately, I want to capture them because I have a feeling I am going to blink and these last few days of still and quiet before the baby comes will be gone.

Blessing Way
On the first weekend of the month my sister held a blessing way for me at my mothers home. (See http://www.naturalbirthandbabycare.com/blessingway.html). I big snow storm blew in that night, but despite the cold weather, most of the woman I had invited were still able to make it. It was a small gathering of woman who make up my support network. The woman who have been on this journey in motherhood with me.

The evening was simple, just the way I like it. Candles were light and the mood was relaxed. One of my younger sisters painted my toenails while the woman passed around a paper and a wrote down gifts of service they planned to bring/do once the baby came.

Then each woman presented me with a bead that she had picked out for my birthing necklace. Something to give me inspiration while I am birthing. As each woman gave me their bead they explained why they had picked it out for me. Each bead was unique and inspiring. As I received each one I strung it on to my necklace. At the end of the evening I was left with a necklace I can wear during my birth, reminding me of the woman who are supporting me in this journey.

The remainder of the evening was spent eating good food and visiting.

It made this next step of birthing and mothering seem much more real. I also feel more confident moving forward, knowing that this group of woman surrounds me and believes in me.

Baby's Room
The baby's room is coming along! Poor thing, she doesn't even really get her own room. Its a baby room/office. Oh well. I think she will survive.

We got a used crib and change table for less then $100 and they look fantastic. I have spent many mornings organizing and cleaning and getting it all ready for her. I think its pretty much there. I keep thinking of one more thing to do, but remind myself that there will always be one more thing to do.

Christmas
This Christmas season has been special for me. I have been working in the helping professions for the past 10 years, so Christmas has typically been filled with Christmas decorating and client and staff Christmas functions. While I have been to a few Christmas events this year, its been a more quiet Christmas, giving me time to step away from the rushed and busy side of Christmas and remember what Christmas is all about, the birth and life of Jesus Christ.

Being pregnant at this time is special. I am amazed at Mother Mary's journey. I feel pretty buff if I walk to the post office or make it through a step class at the gym. Mary rode a donkey or walked for 100 miles. That is sacrifice. That is faith. That is love.

I am amazed at how the birth, life and death of one so long ago impact my life today. I have been reflecting on the peace I feel through my Saviour. How he was been with me through every step of this journey, the hard awful, fearful parts and the wonderful, joyous parts. And I know that as I take my next  step into the unknown, He will be there.

Belly Cast
Friday night DH and I created a belly cast. (For more info see www.proudbody.com) We didn't use a kit, just some plaster gauze from the local craft store. I am had to sit very still while DH worked away. My back got sore and I had some itches under the cast and the whole time I was wondering "is this going to work out"? But when DH pulled it off my belly an hour lately and I saw the finished product, it was worth it. Our little bean thought it was pretty neat too. She was kicking so much the whole time, she must have liked all the attention my belly was getting. The cast kept moving she was kicking so hard. She can be funny like that, moving when its time to be still and then when I want her to move being quiet. She seems to have a personality already.

Home Birth Preparations
My goal this week has been to gather up all the supplies for our home birth. I think I finally have everything, including 25 towels!! The list also includes a swimming pool, a hose, baby blankets and clothes, cleaning supplies, important documents and candles.

We went to a home birth prep class the other night. This was different than the 10 prenatal classes we have completed. This class was put on by the midwifes and was more specific to home birth/midwife services. Topics included, when to call the midwifes, what supplies to have and what to include in a birth plan.

I think we were the youngest people in the class by at least 10 years. And I think that we were the only ones having our first baby. Not sure what to think about that. But one thing I was grateful for was a husband who supports and is now totally into home birth. Some of the couples there, the wife wanted a home birth but the Dad didn't. So I am grateful that DH and I are on the same page.

With my birth kit packed and my birth plan written, I am feeling ready.

My name is Emily and this is my journey in Motherhood.

Amazed

Status: 35 weeks pregnant

Each and every day I feel so amazed.

Amazed that I am carrying this life inside of me. Amazed that I have made it this far. Amazed to feel her hiccups. Amazed that after coming so far I am simply in this moment.

I am amazed to me on my maternity leave. My originally last day of work was going to be the 2nd of December, but I have been feeling such an uncontrollable urge to nest and I am tired at the end of the day and driving and just being at work is exhausting, so I asked my midwifes for a note and November 17th was my last day of work.

So far I am enjoying my maternity leave. I am getting to the laundry. (Long story, but I inherited bags of used clothing from family, so now I am washing and sorting it). I am cooking meals for my freezer. Plus just taking time to nap and get caught up on my blog. I am loving it!!

Part of me is so amazed to be on my maternity leave. When I was trying to get pregnant, I would always think, okay this is my last winter driving to work, or this time next year I will be on my mat leave, it was something I always looked forward to and now it is here and I am amazed.

Another experience I have looked forward to for a long time is taking maternity photos. I would see my friends photos and think that they looked so beautiful and look forward to getting my own done some day. Luckily for me my sister is a photographer (http://web.me.com/stonemanphotography/Stoneman_Photography/Home.html).

Here is a sneak peak:

My name is Emily. This is my journey in motherhood and I am amazed.

Birthing Goddess

Birthing Goddess and her Partner

Created November 11, 2011

Grounded and centered

Connected to Mother Earth

Squatting low

Letting gravity, letting the Universe work with her

Uterus opening

Peeling back

Blossoming

Expanding to new life

Spine strong

Centered

Supported

Belly

Glowing with love and life

Expanding

Changing

Making room for new life

Heart beating for two

What love!

Love without beginning or end

Love that transforms and endures

Lave that withstands storms and heartaches

Love that grows

Life source

She is a source of life!

And for a time, it is enough

She lets go

Really deep down

Lets go

And embraces the unknown of Mothering

She is content simply nursing and caring

For all things there is a season

This is her season for supporting life

So lets go and simplifies

Her arms are open and flexible

Adaptable to the changes of

      Pregnancy

              Birth

                    Parenting

Able to reach heaven

And to hold her baby

And to hang on to her husband

Head

Not thinking with logic

       or timetables

           or expectations

Thinking through her heart

Hair specked with gray

Wisdom

Hers and the woman supporting her

The woman she is connected to through generations

She is woman

She is pregnancy

   Birth

      Mothering

She is brave, yet supported

She is strong, yet open

She is grounded, yet reaching

She is.



Open That Box

We are slowly getting ready for baby. I am trying just to take it one step at a time and not get overwhelmed by all the things to buy and get ready. I keep reminding myself that the best thing I can offer my little one is a healthy, happy relaxed momma and a strong marital relationship. So I am slowly getting ready and taking it one day at a time. I have been in total nesting mode and have a new found passion for cleaning and organizing and throwing things out.

A few weekends ago we got this stroller:

It's called a city select stroller. Its neat because you can use it in so many ways. We can attach our car seat to it, use it as a single stroller or add a second seat to make it a double stroller. We are being optimistic that there will be more children in this family, so we are making space for them now.

This weekend we got our carseat. It’s been sitting in the office and tonight I got the itch to open it up. I mean, what if the baby comes early and we need to use it soon? DH came up and we were about to open the box and I had a moment of panic. I mean, what if something happens? Should we really open the box? If it’s in the box we could resell it if something happens and the baby doesn’t come. DH reminded me that we need to move forward with hope, can’t always believe the worst is going to happen. So we opened that box!! And we read the instruction manual and tested everything out on Jammy Pie. Now when baby comes, we know how to use the careseat.



My name is Emily and this is my journey in motherhood.



31 weeks

Being a Mom is starting to freak me out. I feel ready and at the same time completely unready. I am taking another step in to the darkness and into the unknown. I really hate taking steps into the unknown. As brave as I make myself feel. As much as I can tell myself, walking into the unknown is good for you. God will be there for you. Either you will fall and break apart and be rebuilt or see a little further down the path or God will be with you. Or whatever I tell myself, I am still scared. Silly me. Always a lack of faith. When will I figure it out? When will I be able to trust completely? When I am able to stop looking so far into the future and just trust today?

What if I am the world’s worst mom? What if I can’t do it? What if that’s the reason that I had so many miscarriages is because this was never really meant to be? I have wanted this for so long and now I am standing right in front of it and I am scared to death. I am scared that I will do or say the wrong thing. What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t function on no sleep? What if I lose my temper? I so badly want to be a “good” mother that..... that I think I want it too much, if that’s possible. Sometimes wanting something so bad makes it unattainable. Or sometimes wanting something so bad just sets me up for failure.

And so I take a step back and I look at the whole picture.

I let go for controlling the universe (I am not very good at it anyways and it’s just an illusion). And I trust. I trust in the true master of the universe. I open myself to the possibilities of the universe. Knowing that the possibilities of the universe hurt sometimes. Actually, the possibilities of the universe down right suck sometimes. And they hurt sometimes. But the possibilities of the universe are also beautiful and breathtaking and extraordinary. They are sitting on the beach in Italy with 5 scoops of Gelato melting down your leg. They are being pregnant with the most beautiful baby girl. They are new jobs and new friends and new experiences.

The possibilities of the universe change me. They scare me, but sometimes (okay a lot of the time) the things that scare me the most are the things that I love. (AKA riding the incredible hulk ride at Universal Studies, or jumping off the high diving board or skiing down that really big hill). Sometimes, I just need to open my heart and soul to all that is. To all that is possible. Knowing that it could hurt, but also knowing that it could be the most beautiful, amazing thing.

And so I open my heart.

And I say “come”. I am ready. I will begin.