Dreamer

Dreamer

Spread your wings, Dreamer

Let go

Take Off

Spread your wings, Dreamer

Look forward

Look upward

Breakforth!

Heavens Nest

Falling

Twisting

Upside-down

Alone

Scared

Silenced

Broken

Recreated

Rearranged

Safe

Protected

Held

Friends

Family

Yoga

Music

Prayer

Peace

Love....

Heavens Nest

It's a journey...

Unexplained

We had our follow-up visit at the fertility clinic yesterday. They were running 40 minutes late, so I had lots of time to sit and wonder and get nerves. All around the waiting room they have pictures of pregnant women, babies and happy smiling families. I am not sure if this is meant to be encouraging, because it feels more like a slap in the face. I wish they would put up something calming, like an ocean scene, because I could have used something calming in that waiting room. I felt chilled and a little light headed.

Then finally just as I went to the front desk to make sure they hadn't missed us, they called our names. Again, we waited, this time in a little room. Again, they could spruce this place up a bit. Pictures of ovaries and a sad women with a plea for funding for IVF stare at me from the walls. This place needs a  make-over.

The Dr. comes in and goes over the results with us. Ultrasound - good. Hormone levels - good. Sperm analysis - sub-optimal (nothing to worry about though, sense we are getting pregnant, encouraged DH to eat fruits and vegetables to increase probiotics). Thrombosis work up - increased tendency for thrombosis (sent to see specialist, but fertility Dr. does not think he will be concerned. Take a baby aspirin every day). Genetic Testing - no news yet. Conclusion: unexplained repeat miscarriages. Keep on trying. 75% chance that next pregnancy will be fine.

At first I was rather upset with this news. I wanted them to come in and saw "tada! We have this magical pill. Just take this and you will never have another m/c". Yep, I have some unrealistic expectations sometimes. I am scared to start trying a 5th time. I feel like I am jumping back into the fire. I don't want another year of being pregnant or m/c, like I did last year. It really wore me and DH down. How many more m/c will I have? When will I say enough?

But thoughts like this are not helping. What was helpful was some art work (to be posted soon), a yoga class and some food and a good talk the my best friend.

So here we go again. We are officially TTC #5. Part of me is scared to death and part of thinks,
"what ever, my life is crazy, just go with it" and another part of me sees God's hand in my life and is grateful. And this is the part of my heart I am trying to listen to. The part that is grateful for each time that I have been pregnant (I know some people don't ever get to experience this) and I am grateful that I have been told that I have a high chance of getting pregnant and caring the baby. I am grateful for a husband who went to all my tests and appointments with me. I am grateful for family and friends who are so supportive, who want to know how I am doing and who will listen to me vent. I am grateful to know that there is a kind, loving Father in Heaven watching over me. I am grateful to know that this experience will be for my good if I so choose. I am grateful for all the wonderful blessings I have in my life. I know that God is with me and that Him, all things are possible.

My name is Emily. I am officially TTC for the 5th time. This is my crazy and beautiful journey in motherhood.

A Positive Thought

Burdens become blessings, though often such blessings are well disguised and may require time, effort, and faith to accept and understand. - L. Whitney Clayton

A lesson in Empathy

Bearing up under our own burdens can help us develop a reservoir of empathy for the problems others face. - L. Whitney Clayton

Lately I have been trying to be in tune to what lessons I could learn right now and a huge lesson I see right now is empathy. Here are two recent examples:

Yesterday I asked a friend how his sister was. Awhile ago he had shared with me that she was struggling to get pregnant and had had several m/c. Then a couple months ago he shared that she was pregnant with twins from IVF. I had thought of this stranger half way across the world and wondered how she was doing, finally I had my chance to inquire yesterday. He told me that she had lost the babies. My hear sank and I felt my eyes moisten. I could taste her disappointment, her anger, her grief. I am not saying I completely understand her situation, I don't. But I emphasised with this woman. My heart went out to her in a way I have not previously experienced. If I have gained anything from this experience, I have gained empathy.

But empathy has a happy flip side to it too. I always thought empathy meant understanding grief and pain, but an experience this week taught me that I can also empathise with peoples joy. I got an e-mail that a dear friend adopted a baby. Rarely have I ever felt so happy for another human being. I wanted to jump up and down and tell everyone I knew and knit something for this cute, adorable little bundle of wonderfulness that filled her new parents dreams. And lying in bed that night I realized two things, one happy endings (or maybe happy beginnings) do happen and two my heart feels on a new deeper level because of journey in motherhood. One of the hidden gems from my journey.

My name is Emily and this is the story of my journey in motherhood.

Four sleeps and counting

I got off work early today, (granted I have to go back later tonight for a dinner, but hey), so I took a nap and decided to capture this moment, despite the fact that my kitchen is a mess and I haven't been to the gym all week. I feel things in my life might turn soon and I want to remember this moment. This moment that feels like that tiny space you have between an exhale and an inhale.

Most anxious things first. In four sleeps we go to the fertility clinic for our follow-up visit. A friend keeps mentioning that that day will change my life and I wonder if it will. Will we get a clear cut answer? What will it be? I try not to dwell on it too long. Some moments I am so excited. Certain it will be good news (what ever that would be). I feel like I am five again on Christmas Eve, going crazy with anticipation. Other moments I fret and wonder and worry. What if its bad news? (What ever that would be). What if....

But that is not the only thing that is changing in my life. I currently only work part time and recently applied for some new jobs for more experience, more hours (and better pay). I have two interviews and a job shadow coming up. Again part of me is excited. I am advancing in my career. But the other part of me doesn't want a new job. According to my plans and dreams, I would have been home with a baby by now, maybe even two. I would be taking them to the swimming pool, having play dates and cooking yummy dinners. But shock of all shocks, life doesn't always go the way I planned. So here I am making new dreams and plans, while my heart is still stuck in my old dreams and plans, refusing to budge, despite how enticing the new dreams look.

Despite all these worries, I am practicing finding joy in the journey. (Key word practicing). So yesterday I went clothes shopping with my sister. I haven't purchased new clothes in a long, long time. I keep thinking "Oh I better not buy any new clothes, I might be pregnant next month and then I wouldn't be able to fit into the clothes" or "I better save my money for some cute maternity clothes". But I have been thinking that for 3 plus years now and its high time I get something new. So I went shopping. I don't know what the future holds, but I now that I enjoyed wearing my new purple sweater TODAY.

Waiting....(And being happy about it?)

I could post about a lot of things right now. Going with DH for semen analysis, the ongoing saga of my rubella shot (which thankfully I don't have to get) or what we did for valentines. But the truth is I am tired and I just want to fastfoward to the 28th to know what is going to happen. Will I get an answer?? Is anything really definitive in medicine? What if they already know and I am just waiting...waiting...waiting...

It's officially been three years sense we started trying (granted we did take a year off in all that). Some of my friends have had 2 kids in that time.

But I am trying to find joy in my journey. I know that there will be children in this family. I don't know how, but I know that they will come. They will come. So for now I am doing everything that I might not be able to do if/when I get pregnant. Like working out, and cooking lots of yummy food (the smell of food makes me nauseous when I am pregnant), cleaning my house and taking time for art work. I also want to go to hot yoga and go rock climbing.

I am trying to find something to celebrate each day. Today I am celebrating the fact that I have amazing friends and a job that I love.

My name is Emily and this is my journey in Motherhood.

I am new light

Anything is Possible

Letting Go of Condescending Voices

Between Two Possibilities

My heart is open and healing.

Letting go.

Really,

       really,

                really,

letting go.

Because something beautiful is being revealed.

*********

Life is not static.

It's a continual round of beginnings and endings.

There is no end to love.

My heart is full of love. My mother love did not end with my babies. It goes on and on, just as it existed before this life. Just as it is in this moment.

What I thought I said good-bye to, I am finding I am regretting in new ways, today.

I am new light.

My name is Emily and this is my journey in Motherhood.